So this is global warming?

So this is global warming?

After the East Coast and much of the middle square-ish shaped states were fried to a crisp last week, we Californians stepped up to the plate this week. We had our first Stage 2 yesterday. In fact I may have contributed greatly to the Stage 2 because I cranked that mother fucking A/C yesterday around 2:00pm when the swamp cooler was no longer living up to the "cooler" part of it's nickname (for those of you who have never lived in the desert or southwest - a swamp cooler is an evaporative cooler and swampy's are not an effective A/C alternative if the dewpoint is above 55º.) It was only about 109, but the humidity was a bitch. Someone told me there some kind of friggin' monsoon out there or something that is bringing the humidity in. We're used to frying - but not melting. As much as the mere sound of it makes me cringe - yes, it is usually a dry heat here - most of the time. This humidity shit isn't supposed to happen until late August when I've planned to be far, far away from here. Speaking of being far, far away ...

All By Myself (think opening sequence to Bridget Jones Diary)
The Missus is back east for a week. When you've been married for 12 years, the idea of having the house to yourself for a week is kind of like Christmas to a 6 year old - you're overwhelmed with the "Yippie!" anticipation. You plan on doing the happy dance, rearranging the furniture, and farting wherever and whenever you damn well please. But soon after returning from dropping her off at the airport, the pure emptiness is plainly evident. "Helllooo?" You start walking around the house, trying to decide what you are going to do first. "Should I eat something? No, not hungry. Do the laundry? Boring. I'll check my email ... What was that? Oh, just a cat playing in the bathroom. Okay, I'll eat something." You begin making a sandwich and find yourself describing the entire process to the cat in a strange british accent, just to have interaction with another living creature "First we take the bread and place it thus-ly on the plate, then we open the refrigerator and select from our bevy of condiments - do you like mustard??" (have I lost my mind?!?) "You don't think I'm crazy do you sweet kitten?" The cat just sits there and stares at you with that "Yes, you are indeed a raving fucking lunatic, now let me out before I shred your calf" look.

If you've sucessfully filled your first day alone with meaningful and satifying activities (I think you know what I mean) then you are faced with "Lights Out." Or in my case - "Every Fucking Light On" because who knows what's lurking out there! I lit this house up like the fucking fourth of july - screw the rolling balckouts - I wanted EVERY potential robber to know that SOMEONE IS HOME! Move along now... Time to check the deadbolt for the 10th time. Yup, still locked. I'll just watch some TV until I'm tired.

I awoke this morning to the sweet reminder that my wife takes very, very good care of me. I should never - ever - take her for granted. I woke up on the couch fully dressed, TV blaring, full beer on the coffee table, glasses still firmly affixed to my face, every fucking light in the house still on, and the cat locked outside."Uh... Hello? Crazy Lady - let me in damn it!" And so begins Day 2.

I think I'll play Battleships