You're pretty! Will you marry me?

A woman I know... let's call her Linda, is drop dead gorgeous. Not pretty, not good looking. Gorgeous. Stunning. She's also the nicest, sweetest and somewhat shy, woman you'll ever meet.

While waiting for a few friends in the parking lot last night, I saw Linda standing in line to get into the club. I hesitated going over to her because I knew exactly what was going to happen.

I like to think I'm suave, charming and engaging. Usually I don't have problems talking to gorgeous women. But whenever I am around Linda, I turn into a blithering idiot. There's something about her that turns me into bumbling, stumbling, stuttering, bug-eyed Jerry Lewis. And last night was no exception.

I sucked it up and decided to say go over and hello. "Just don't say something stupid!" was the mantra running through my head. It's hard to screw up "Hey! How ya doing?" So far so good! Linda was glad to see me and gave me a hug and a peck and asked "What's going on?"

That's where it all fell apart.

Me: "Me? I'm just waiting for.. uh.. some friends. My... uh friends are coming to... uh, join me. I have some friends... friends I'm waiting for. What what what are you doing?"
Linda: "I'm just waiting to go into the club!" she says with a shrug.
Me: "Cool! Me too! So, are you all ready for the big weekend?" (Christ... do I have to be so... enthusiastic?)

Here's where I tried to take a hit off my cigarette and fumbled it on my lips and fingers and dropped it on the ground - smooth.)

Linda: "Yeah - I took the whole week off. I even skipped out of jury duty - what are they gonna do? Come arrest me?"
Me: "Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, yeah, actually they might. I once had jury duty. It a murder trial blah blah blah blah blah...."

She starts looking around for someone to come save her. I was trying to dig the cover charge out of my pocket when I dropped 67¢ in what might as well have been all pennies on the ground. I proceeded to kneel and pick them up while continuing on with my riveting jury duty story. Idiot. I'm a fucking idiot. Just shut the fuck up MJ!

It gets worse.

Being the Mensa candidate that I am, I decided that rather than wait for my "friends" in the parking lot, as planned, I'd try and salvage this conversation and follow her into the club. Once inside she is immediately mobbed by a large group of her out of town buddies and quickly disappears. Now I am alone. In a large nightclub. Waiting for my "friends" to show up. I grab a beer and sit by myself for 45 minutes waiting... She must have come by 3 or 4 times and asked "Where are Blank and Blank? I thought they were coming?" "Oh they'll be here! They said they'd be here - my friends. It's okay! I'm okay. They're going to be here any minute!"

I'M NOT A LOSER! Don't hate me because your beauty paralyzes me!!

There's a happy ending... My friends did indeed show up and after a couple pucker shots, I was out on the dance floor bumping and grinding with many many gorgeous woman, including Linda. And being the wonderful woman that she is, she insisted that we all come by her place on Saturday for her pool party.

Pool party = Swim suits.
Swim suits = Linda in a bikini.
Linda in a bikini = Well, I'm not sure, but I bet it might involve my banging my forehead on the bathroom wall mumbling "you idiot, you idiot, you fucking idiot!"