April 10, 2003
On Marriage and Hangovers
Robyn is discussing the "gay marriage" bill in Connecticut that died in committee and it got me to thinking about what's been happening in California.
When San Francisco first offered domestic partnership registration with the city, the Missus and I were totally against it. I had this youthful ideal that full and equal marriage rights for gays and lesbians could and would be a reality in the near future and I didn't want to participate in anything that could be interpreted as signing up for second class citizenship. I don't want table scraps, I want the whole damn dinner!
As time passed and a statewide domestic partnership law was enacted, my thinking changed. Perhaps registering with the state would offer some protection. Most importantly, we thought about what might happen if we *didn't* register. Should one of us die, it would lend credence to a challenge of our wills by family members. They could argue that even though the state offered such a registry, we *chose* not to register, ergo, despite our declarations in front of 150 people and GOD at our wedding, we were not really committed to one another. I know it's a stretch, but when you have a couple of wild cards in your families, you have to at least acknowledge the worst. So we did it. Paid our $10 and now we were "on the list." It didn't really mean much at the time since there was so little offered except simple recognition. But the word "Marriage" raised so many conservitive hackles that they had to pass a law stating that "Marriage" was reserved for one woman and one man.
However, since Prop 22 (the Knight Initiative titled "Limit's on Marriage") passed, California has been flying under the radar with regard to our DP laws. Slowly behind the scenes DPs are getting more and more of the same protections offered to legally married couples. And most Californians have no idea it's happening. AB25 [pdf] was probably the most significant and historical change to the DP law. The NCLR puts it out in plain English: AB25 - What it means to you
And now we have AB 205 which would offer full and equal marriage rights to ALL Californians. I don't know if it stands a chance right now, but hell - go for it!
So anyway, last week, the Missus gets a letter [pdf] from the Kevin Shelly, the CA Secretary of State, explaining that a new law is going into effect this summer and will make significant changes to the California Domestic Partnership law. In a nutshell, being registered as DPs now allows for property and inheritance rights. Kick Ass! I had no idea - this is so cool!
But the letter has a bit of a warning tone to it. It discusses terminating your agreement at great length. As in "Uh, just in case you didn't know, your domestic partner will get all of your shit when you die unless you do something about it NOW!" I thought this was hilarious! Then I realized that the letter was only addressed to her. Wait a minute! Are they only sending it to one partner? What the hell is going on here? Where's my letter warning me about my money grabbing gold digging wife?!? I want my letter!
I was relieved to find in the mail box yesterday. Not that it really matters - we have wills and medical directives and power of attorneys etc... But still... fair is fair damn it!
Because of the tone of the letter, I had to wonder... How many people actually forgot they were domestically partnered? I mean - is it really something you do on a whim? Like getting married by Elvis in Vegas? I can't imagine waking up one morning, scratching your head and trying to remember through the vodka haze of the night before... "Did I really get that form notarized? Did I actually pay $10?? Holy shit! What have I done?!?"
Posted by MJ at April 10, 2003 11:33 AMI've tried constructing about seven different comments to this but abandoned them all because I was afraid I was talking out of my ass...now, I'm the first to admit that I'm no authority on any of this, but - I guess...these measures, anything short of full-out marriage benefits, seem to me to be nothing more than throwing a bone to keep the dog quiet. And the paranoid in me says, "Well, what's to stop them (the government) from keeping track of all of the terminated DP registrants (I'm sure there are some - it seems pretty easy to terminate) and holding them up and saying, 'See? Homosexuals aren't serious about a life-long commitment' and using it as ammo against passing marriage benefit laws?" Because you know that anti-gay rights people wouldn't be above that, above ignoring the current divorce rate of straight people and wholly focusing on the "termination" rate of domestic partners. I bet that there would be a lot more straight people getting divorced if they didn't have to worry about splitting up all of their assets, paying alimony and going through a huge divorce proceeding - the measure for terminating domestic partnership is little more than sending a letter and moving out of the house. I wonder if the numbers of terminations of domestic partnerships are skewed just because it's so easy (monetarily, not emotionally) to do.
And I wonder - what happens if a gay couple adopt a child in California then moves? Is the adoption by the second partner invalidated by the move out of the state? I know most states won't honor the DP rights for the partners but what about with regards to the kids? Is this just a way for California to hoard all of the gay people and keep them there for good? "We have all of your homosexuals and we're not giving them back, mwahahaha!" ;-)
I'm not challenging your decision to file or anything here, I'm just worried that these domestic partner benefits might actually be hurting the "marriage rights for homosexuals" cause. You've definitely piqued my interest with this post.
If you have any other resources on this subject please point them out because I'd love to learn more about this. It's crazy to realize how many rights I have just because I said "I do" in front of a judge.
(Sorry if I said anything stupid in my comments - I'm thinking out loud, really, and am still under a haze of cold medicine.)
Posted by: Natalie at April 10, 2003 01:18 PMJessica tapdancing Christ, that was a long comment. Sorry about that!
Posted by: Natalie at April 10, 2003 01:19 PMI have an equally long reply for ya! Never fear ;)
My initial reservations about registering as Domestic Partners were similar to what you talk about... The whole big brother "list" concept, accepting second class citizenship, perhaps undermining the ultimate goal i.e. "You should be happy with what you have... why push it any further?" But in the end, I think DP does more good than harm, witness the "under the table" legislation that has occurred here in California. (thanks primarily to Carole Migden and others..)
As for the issue of adoption and interstate reciprocity, I don't really know. I'm fairly certain that the protections offered within the state end at the state line. But we do travel with copies of our documents just in case.
I had an interesting (that's the only word I can think to describe it) conversation about the legal protections of marriage with my step-father when he was out visiting. Despite his being a highly educated liberal, he failed to see why same sex marriage laws were needed. He insisted that all rights and responsibilities afforded under the state Family Code to "legally married" individuals could be taken care of by an attorney (save certain tax penalties etc.. that are going away anyway). And to a certain degree he's right - not all, but some can be handled in this manner. However, this places the onus upon me to pay attorney fees to draw up documents that could realistically be ruled invalid by a judge should they be challenged after my death or incapacitation, solely based on the fact that I am gay. I've sent him a similar list of links, yet he still stands behind his original position.
Here are a few places you might find interesting.
Left at the Alter (NCLR)
Marriage Equality California
(links might not open in a new window, and I don't know why... sorry!)
Deb and I have the wills drawn up, the house in both our names, all that stuff.
I also ripped our local state rep a new asshole this morning after learning of her No vote.
I don't believe in being silent on this issue. And I have zero patience for willful ignorance.
Thanks for those links, MJ - it should make for some interesting reading.
Personally, I simply cannot understand at all why marriages aren't allowed for gays, period. It's really a no-brainer...sure, you can get a lawyer to draw up the necessary paperwork, blah blah blah, but the same can be said for straight couples as well...so why have marriages for *anyone*? It's dangerous to look at marriage as solely a legally-binding contract - it's also inherently short-sighted to view it as a singularly religious thing, as well. We all (hopefully) fall somewhere in the middle ground...little bit of legal protection, little bit of the romantic/religious stuff.
I have yet to find a single convincing reason why gay couples shouldn't be allowed to marry. (And I hate it when people throw the old, "Marriage is a ceremony for a man and a woman only, condoned by God, who hates homosexuals, dontcha know.")
I watched a program (probably on some woman's channel) that featured gay and lesbian "marriages" and it was so candied-up and nice that I wanted to vomit. Everyone called their ceremonies "weddings" and talked about their "marriage" - the only time that anyone even brought up the fact that these "marriages" weren't identified by law was when one couple said, "In the eyes of God we're married, and that's what counts." Um, yeah...okay, so when I'm on life support and my DP wants to take me off, as per my directive, and the court says "no", I want you to call God as a witness for me, okay?
Great, now I'm pissed off and it's only nine o'clock! Nothing like a healthy dose of injustice to get the day off to a good start. ;-)
Posted by: Natalie at April 11, 2003 07:02 AMY'all can come on up to Vermont and git hitched here...I happen to know an excellent band available for your reception.
As long as I could sit in with ya bud - hey, we could do a reunion set ;)
