1/29/99

EDITORS DISCLAIMER
The following is extremely politically incorrect. The sender is not responsible for any arguments or divorces that might occur as a result of this mail. This mail is to be used for humorous purposes only! The following does not reflect the opinions or views of this station. (how's that for CYA?)

Also, due to a number of requests - this and all other list mailings with go out bcc to all recipients

ps: there's a bonus joke at the end of this mail :)

Happy Friday!

MJ

The Five Toughest Questions:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if you answer incorrectly ( i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with the possible (politically correct) responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Yah sure, you betcha.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on exactly what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
d. It depends on how you define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

HER: Would you get married again?
YOU: Definitely not!
HER: Why not - don't you like being married?
YOU: Of course I do.
HER: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
YOU: Okay, I'd get married again.
HER: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
YOU: Yes, I would.
HER: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
YOU: Where else would we sleep?
HER: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
YOU: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
HER: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
YOU: She can't use them; she's left-handed. (Whoops!!)


BONUS!

It's time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.

Here's the scoop on three leading candidates.
Which of these candidates is your choice?

Candidate A:
+ Associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists.
+ He's had two mistresses.
+ He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:
+ Was kicked out of office twice.
+ Sleeps until noon.
+ Used opium in college.
+ Drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C:
+ Is a decorated war hero.
+ He's a vegetarian
+ Doesn't smoke,
+ Drinks an occasional beer
+ Hasn't had any illicit affairs.


You don't really need any more information, do you?

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler