2/5/99

30, OR SO, FUN THINGS TO DO WHEN ORDERING A PIZZA
(ed. note: you should thank me, originally there were 99 things)

+ If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to please stop doing that.
+ Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it.
+ Use CB lingo where applicable.
+ Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
+ Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
+ Answer their questions with questions.
+ Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, PUCE.
+ Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
+ Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
+ Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
+ Stutter on the letter "p."
+ Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
+ Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
+ Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
+ Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
+ Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
+ Ask to see a menu.
+ Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
+ Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
+ Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
+ Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
+ If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
+ Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . .action!"
+ Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
+ Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
+ When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
+ Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
+ Make the first topping you order 'extra mushrooms'. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
+ When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
+ When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
+ Haggle.
+ When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
+ Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
+ Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
+ If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

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Cheers - MJ

--Practice Random Acts of Intelligence and Senseless Acts of Self Control

BONUS FOR MAKING IT TO THE END!
A salesman calls this house, and the 3 year old son answers the phone.
The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your mother?"
The boy whispers in a very low voice, "She's busy."
The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your daddy?"
The kid whispers again, in a very low voice, "He's busy too."
The salesman then asks, "Is there anyone else there?"
The tot replies in the same quiet voice, "A policeman."
The salesman inquires, "Can I talk to the policeman?"
The boy repeats again, in a low whisper, "He's busy too."
The salesman again questions him and asks, "Is there anyone else there?"

The kid comes back in a whisper, "A fireman."
The salesman then wants to know if he can talk to the fireman.
And once again the tot whispers, "He's busy too."
By now the salesman is really wondering what is going on.
He asks the boy, "What are they all doing?"
The little rug-rat replies, still in a very low whisper...
"Looking for me."