2/12/99

FOUR FUNNIES FOR FRIDAY!

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP IF YOU GET PULLED OVER:
* I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
* Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
* Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
* Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me. Good Job!
* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
* I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
* You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
* Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
* Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
* I pay your salary!
* So, uh, you on the take, or what?
* Gee Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
* I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car
around--that's how far ahead of me they are
* What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
* Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
* Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.


THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY....
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
"Duct tape won't fix that."
"Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
"We don't keep firearms in this house."
"You can't feed that to the dog."
"I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
"Who's Richard Petty?"
"Deer heads detract from the decor."
"The tires on that truck are too big."
"I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
"I've got it all on a floppy disk."
"Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
"Checkmate."
"She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
"I don't have a favorite college team."
"Elvis who?


A TOUCHING MOMENT
Two men are golfing one summer day. As one is about to step up on the 18th green and attempt a putt, they notice a funeral procession drive by on the nearby road. The golfer steps back from his putt, removes his hat, and bows his head to show respect for the deceased. After the procession has passed, he replaces his cap and sinks his putt. His playing partner is impressed by this show of respect, and makes a note to mention it.

Afterwards, as the golfers relax in the clubhouse with a drink while they total the day's scores, the second golfer mentions the events on the 18th hole. "You know, Fred, that was a very decent thing you did, showing respect like that. I was touched."

Fred simply shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, it was the least I could do.... After all, I was married to her for nearly 40 years."

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Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Damn!

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Cheers and Happy Friday all!

MJ