3/5/99

Below find a random sampling of this weeks funnies... Use only as directed. Rinse and repeat as needed.

As always- if you want off the list, just let me know!

Cheers- MJ

A list of actual English subtitles used in Hong Kong films:
* "I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. "
* "Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. "
* "Gun wounds, again? "
* "Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. "
* "A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. "
* "Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! "
* "Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. "
* "Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? "
* "Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. "
* "You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken."
* "I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! "
* "You daring lousy guy. "
* "Beat him out of recognizable shape! "
* "I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! "
* "Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. "
* "The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? "
* "This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. "
* "Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently for a thorough extermination. "
* "Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person."


The 7 Rules for Driving in the Big City:
1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
5) Always look both ways when running a red light.
6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. It only serves as a warning to other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way.


More Buzz Words for 99
* Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
* Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
* Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
* Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
* Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
* Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
* Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Monica Interview is a prime example.
* Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. See also Decruitment.


For my friends from the Great Lakes State....
"You know you're from Michigan if..."
1. You define summer as 3 months of bad sledding
2. You consider a thunderstorm a free drive thru car wash
3. You can identify an ohio accent.
4. Your mosquito repellent doubles as your aftershave.
5. Owning a Japanesse car was a hanging offense in your hometown.
6. You drive 86 on the highway and pass on the right.
7. You believe down south is toledo.
8. You bake with soda and drink pop.
9. You know not only does kalamazoo exists, but it isn't far from hell
10. The big mac is something you drive across


George Carlin Classics:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walked off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.


Quotable Quotes:
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry


Airline Humor:
"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."


And of course... The Blonde Joke of the Week!
A beatiful blonde driving a Mercedes convertible through the country saw another blonde trying to row a boat across a huge wheat field. Irritated, she pulled her car to the side of the road and walked to the fence. She then yelled to the blonde in the boat "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name. If I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass."