3/26/99

A Brief Announcement:
Stasha asked me to please let everyone know that she can NO LONGER be reached at her former email (congats on the new job by the way!!) When she gets set up at Schwab she'll send out the new address.

Have a great Friday and GO SPARTANS!

All together now! You know the words! "On the banks of the Red Cedar Is a school that's known to all... (complete lyrics can be found at the end of this mail )

** If you would like to be removed from the Friday List: just drop me a line!

MARTHA STEWART: A REDNECK GUIDE FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially whendriving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


FUN FACTS
* On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
* Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
* Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
* Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Hearts -Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM PHILADEPHIA WHEN...
20. You realize that your favorite desert is wooder ice. (It comes in churry, strawburry, and other assawrded flaverz.) 19. You find yourself using "Yo" and "Youse guys" when talking long distance to family members.
18. You know how to spell Schuylkill.
17. You think $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain.
16. You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "I wonder if they have cheese steaks?"
15. You can sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulance sirens.
14. You visit New York and are impressed by how clean it is.
13. You believe the car on your left, flashing its turn signal and the driver pointing at your lane, wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you.
12. You can't eat french fries without Cheeze Whiz.
11. Street people greet you by your first name.
10. You don't think Wawa sounds funny.
9. You snub a cheese steak that isn't on an Amoroso roll.
8. Your parents, brother, sisters, aunts, and uncles all live on the same block.
7. You know who Jim O'Brien is, and how he died.
6. You can imagine breakfast without scrapple.
5. You're still not sure about Jerry Penacolli.
4. A vacation at the Jersey shore (pronounced "the shoore") is better then going to an island. (There's more stuff to do, plus you know everybody.)
3. You know where to find the Rocky statue.
2. You know only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's, and Jim's for authentic cheese steaks. You only go if you're drunk and it is 3:00 AM.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PHILLY:

1. You buy a soft pretzel at a traffic light, without wondering where the guy goes to wash his hands. And you don't really care.


TOO CUTE: THE WEDDING
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd he would put his hands up like claws and roar...So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


QUOTABLE QUOTES:

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law"
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
--Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
--Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach


MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY FIGHT SONG!

On the banks of the Red Cedar
Is a school that's known to all
It's specialty is winning
And those Spartans play good ball

Spartan teams are never beaten
All through the game they fight
Fight for the only colors
Green and White

Go right thru for MSU
Watch the points keep growing
Spartan teams are bound to win
They're fighting with a vim

Rah, Rah, Rah!

See their team is weakening
We're going to win this game
Fight! Fight! Rah! Team, fight!

Victory for MSU!