4/9/99

The Friday Fishwrap - Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different... Have a fantasic weekend!! Cheers- MJ

USEFUL WORK PHRASES
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.


TRUE STORIES
Carjacking Foiled: A True Story

An elderly lady did her shopping, and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she 'knows how to use it and that she will if required'.... 'so get out of the car.'

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem - her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four/five spaces further down! She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly white woman......no charges were filed.


KIDS ON MARRIAGE
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.... God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10

CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"
Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!"
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.... Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10

WHAT THE CHILDREN WOULD DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR

"I'd run home and play dead.... The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich!"
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing...I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!"
Theodore, age 6

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR A YOUNG COUPLE ABOUT TO BE MARRIED?

"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"
Craig, age 9

WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together."
Marlon, age 10

HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
Lori, age 8

GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one."
Angie L., age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!"
Roberta, age 7


BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A Blonde goes out for a walk and comes to a river bank. She sees another blonde on the other side of the river. First blonde shouts to her "Yoo hoo! How do I get to the other side of this river?" Blonde no.2 pauses, looks both ways and yells back "You are on the other side!!"


FUN FACTS
* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
* You know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider
* Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star
* Most American car horns honk in the key of F