4/16/99

Happy Friday all!

Spring has Sprung or maybe we just skipped spring all together and launched summer v1.999 - at any rate... hope everyone gets out and enjoys the weather! Here's your trusty reliable Friday Fishwrap. Thanks to this weeks contributors: papa Joe B. and cuz Mary Jo! (is my family funny or what?!) Have a great one! MJ

1999 DARWIN AWARDS (J.B.)
Once again we have a slate of outstanding candidates for the Darwin Awards, given posthumously to those selfless individuals who seek to improve the human species by the elimination of inferior genetic stock - namely their own!

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ...
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer [ ! ] and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered [well, you would, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.

CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU .
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ..more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GIMME A LIGHT!
Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.


FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife already knows everything.


TRUE STORY? OR BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK. YOU DECIDE.
I saw a distraught young woman crying beside her car ('97 Honda Accord) on 24th St.. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I... I don't know.. I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door thing. I have to pick up my son, but now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to the Radio Shack across the street) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I don't know, probably. Are you sure the car alarm is set?" I asked.

"I don't have a car alarm, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it **and the car keys** to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I thought, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk." but what I really said was "There you go, have your dealership take a look at the remote 'thingy' - they'll figure it out, I'm sure."


FUN FACTS
* All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
* The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
* In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
* The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence Oz."
* The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."


TOP 21 GOOD THINGS ABOUT HELL (M.J.B.)
21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.
20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.
19. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.
18. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.
17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.
16. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.
15. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances.
14. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.
13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!
12. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show".
11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.
10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.
9. Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
8. Big step up from Bakersfield.
7. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.
6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).
5. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.
4. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!
3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.
2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee.
1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts.

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All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power