4/23/99

Greetings from your intrepid gatherer of odd, twisted and occasionally funny stuff! Have a great weekend!! - MJ

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING "JOB BURN-OUT"
10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!"
8. Your garbage bin IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You consider a 40-hour week a vacation.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your DayRunner/Work Planner spontaniously exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.......


BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"


TOP TEN OLD FOLKS PARTY GAMES
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You're It!


TOP TEN THINGS THE AMISH DO ON SPRING BREAK
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave
9. Wet bonnet contest
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
7. Buttermilk kegger
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really kewl Clydesdale
5. Get a tattoo that reads: Born to raise barns
4. Cruise the streets of Franklin shouting insults at people w/zippers.
3. Sleep in 'til 6
2. Drive over to Allenville and kick some Mennonite butt

and the #1 Amish spring break activity

1. Churn butter naked


HOW TO PLEASE A FEMME
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her...

HOW TO PLEASE A BUTCH
Show up naked, bring beer.


BUBBA CALLS 911 Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


DEEP THOUGHTS:
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all get along?

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

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