4/30/99

HOW TO SURVIVE COLLEGE!

* Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
* Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.
* Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads.
* Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
* Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
* If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
* Boring lecture? Start a wave!
* College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
* "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity.
* Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
* Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
* Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
* In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.

and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College...

* Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing Biology."


WHO'S AFRAID OF SATAN?
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Hondo, Texas got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid ofme?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."


YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK JEDI KNIGHT IF... (C.F.)
(Only 19 days until the Phantom Menace!)

1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
3. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
5. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
6. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
7. You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.
8. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
9. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
10. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
11. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
12. Your father has ever said to you, "Dang, son come on over to the darkside...it'll be a hoot."
13. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
14. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
15. You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks a little sissy in that vest.
16. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
17. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
18. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
19. You ever fell in love with your sister.
20. You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
21. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
22. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a red wood deck.
23. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.
24. In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right."


AMERICA'S STUPIDEST CRIMINALS
Mega Moron Awards

Here are the award winning stories from criminals by state or city:

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and GIVES you money, was a crime committed?]

Florida: [Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started.

The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"

Arkansas: This guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the purse snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the thief. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer... that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Newark: A woman reported her car stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.


BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse.

The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when the Wal-Mart Manager runs out to shut the horse off.


FUN FACTS
* The dot over the letter " i " is called a tittle.
* The longest one-syllable words in the English language are "screeched" and "strengths."
* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
* Almonds are members of the peach family.
* Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
* The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
* "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and end with the letters "und."


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