5/7/99

THE TOP 10 THINGS WE WANT TO HEAR SAMUEL L. JACKSON SAY IN THE STAR WARS PREQUEL
(pardon the language)
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.
6. Feel the Force, Motherfucker.
5. "What" ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on "What"?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to fuck him like one?
1. Hand me my lightsaber...it's the one that says, "Bad Motherfucker.


MAKES SENSE TO ME!
The following is from this month's Forbes Magazine: (?)

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be!


MOTIVATION
In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read--"Thoap!"


BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"


GOODNIGHT MR. GORSKY
You know when Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon, he said "One small step for man etc, etc " and also,heard by some, he said " good night Mr. Gorsky". The reporters kept trying to get Neil to tell them who Mr Gorsky was and Neil just kept ignoring them. They checked out the Russian officials and no one had that name. Finally, recently there was an anniversary dinner- 26 yrs after the fact and a reporter asked Neil if he would tell them who Mr. Gorsky was. Neil said," Yes, Mr. Gorsky was my neighbor and is dead now. When I was a little boy I was was sitting on my porch and I heard Mr. Gorsky's wife say, "Sex, you want sex, well not until the neighbor boy walks on the moon"


THE NERVOUS PRIEST
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replies,"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, don;t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


DEEP KID THOUGHTS
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to Imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
-- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
-- Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
-- Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
-- Age 10

Home is where the house is.
-- Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
-- Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
-- Age 15

People used to think the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
-- Age 6

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him.
-- Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
-- Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
-- Age 11

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them I don't want it anymore because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
-- Age 14

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
-- Age 15

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with.
-- Age 6

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
-- Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
-- Age 15


TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I have barbecued them, and I have tried every sort of marinade, I just can't seem to get them tender!" The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend in the river. They have brown cloaks with a rope around the waist, and they're sort of bald on top, with a funny ring of hair on their heads!"

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder . . those are Friars!!"


_________________________
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra