5/14/99

Okay, so I am on the road and have now arrived at my final destination. I have to somehow found an access number (rural Cheboygan County is not known for their high speed connections) - forgive the delay in publishing (and thanks for all the reminders - like I would *forget* to send this out!!)

Also - I am sending this out on the equivalent of a stone tablet - so please forgive any formatting errors!!

cheers all - have a great weekend!! - MJ

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Q: Did you here about the blonde Coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.
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SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE FLAT BROKE

* You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
* You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
* Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
* You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
* Your bologna has no first name.
* You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
* McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.


BLONDE JOKE 1
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

BLONDE JOKE 2
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money".

The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

BLONDE JOKE 3
A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The blonde then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies, "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!"

QUOTABLE QUOTES
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple Black

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
Doug Lars

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you.
Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz

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Q: What does the blonde's post card from vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
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REMINDER: ALWAYS REMEMBER THOSE WHO SERVE
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?"

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.


SHAKEN OR STIRRED?
Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to call the electrician and one to make cocktails!


IT JUST MIGHT WORK!
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

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Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
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YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF...
(ed. note - As a yankee, I don't really see the problem here...)
* You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside"
* You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
* You don't know what a moon pie is.
* You have never, ever eaten okra
* You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork
* You have never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips
* You have no idea what a polecat is.
* You think "Coke" refers to one specific brand of soft drink.
* You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags
* You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
* You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
* You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
* For breakfast, you would prefer a bagel to grits.
* You don't have any hats in your closet in your closet that advertise feed stores.
* The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
* You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, John Bob, Bob Bob)
* You've never been to a craft show.
* You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
* You can't do your laundry without quarters.
* Not one of your fur coats is homemade.

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Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the Pop-Tart out of the toaster in one piece.
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That's it! No sig line - I'm on vacation!