5/21/99

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.  

ONLY IN AMERICA
* can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

* are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

* do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions

* do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke

* do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters

* do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage

* do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place

* do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

* do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well, "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

* do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

THE KIDNAPPING
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground.

Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

THE EXCUSE
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:

1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student's immediate family.

A smart mouthed student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter. After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said,

"Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead go to the Doctor The Brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top." The Redhead says, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom." The Blonde starts crying and sobs, "Oh God, I'm going to have puppies."

THE DIAGNOSIS
A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well, it's like this, Doc," he said. "When I drive to work in the morning, through the country lanes, I start to sing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' If I see a cat, then it's, 'What's New, Pussy Cat?" It's so embarrassing even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah,' and my wife was not amused!" The doctor said, "It would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones Syndrome." "Well, I've never heard of that. Is it common?" asked the man. "It's Not Unusual," the doctor replied.

CAN WE GET A LITTLE PRIVACY HERE??
The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he went home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the level of privacy this offered, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his wife. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes tightly shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm.. uh.. checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

BLONDE REVENGE
A blonde was tired of hearing blonde jokes and decided to prove people wrong. She spent weeks studying a map of the United States, memorizing all the capitals for all the states. The next time someone started telling a blonde joke she said, "Hey, not all blondes are stupid. I can prove it. Give me the name of any state and I'll tell you it's capital." "Vermont," someone suggested. The blonde responded, "V."

BLOW JOB (L.B.)
 After the May 3rd tornado, many Oklahoma City residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor. Many home owners have spray-painted their homes or put up signs claiming: "For Sale: Fixer Upper" or "OPEN HOUSE." However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before President Clinton's visit, put a sign in his yard saying: "HEY BILL, HOW'S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?" Unfortunately, the Secret Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage

FUN FACTS (J.F.)
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.

SUPERMARKET TRAGEDY
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got into the vehicle, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

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A rabbi and a duck walk into a bar. The bartenders says "What is this? Some kind of joke?!"

Thanks to this weeks contributors: Lois and Jennie!