5/28/99

BA DA BOOM - BA DA BING
Useful Sayings (some are repeats)
* I miss my ex.. But my aim is getting better
* I'm not totally useless.. I can still be used as a bad example
* I'm so miserable without you.. It's almost like having you here
* I live with misery everyday.. but sometimes she lets me ride
* Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
* Back off! You're standing in my aura.
* Adults are just kids who owe money.
* Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
* Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
* You look like shit. Is that the style now?
* I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
* I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
* A woman's favorite position is CEO.
* Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
* Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it
* Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
* Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
* All stressed out and no one to choke.


YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
* The Halloween pumpkin on the front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table - in front of her kids.
* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
* You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
* You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
* You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
* The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
* You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
* Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
* Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"


The Joys of being a Man - From a Woman's Perspective
* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* Your orgasms are real. Always.
* Your last name stays put.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Foreplay is optional.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* Same work ... more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
* Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"


Rejected Names for Space Station Mir
* The AMC Spacer
* Uncle Boris's Last Chance Galactic Truck Stop & Fireworks Stand
* I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Space-Station
* Skylab for Dummies
* Emergency Vodka Storage Unit #6
* Absolut NightMir
* The New, Improved People's Deathtrap 2000 ("Now with leaks!")
* Space Toast Coast-to-Coast
* The S.S. Minnowsky
* Kaputnik
* Spacey Spice
* The Amazing Orbiting Barge O' Death
* Deepshit Nine


*************
2 blondes walked into a building... You'd think one of them would've seen it...
*************


THE BLONDE CARPENTERS
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it! But if it's pointed toward me then I throw it away."

The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"


*************
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ... Men will screw anything.

REJECTED STATE MOTTOS
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes"
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: Ya Wanna #$%#ing Motto? I Got Yer #$%#ing Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are one of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun Stat
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming: Wynot?


*************
Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
*************


Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's

* You try to enter your ATM PIN on the microwave.
* You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
* You e-mail your wife/husband/child in the other room to tell them that dinner is ready, and they email you back "What's for dinner?"
* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date ... and now sells for half the price you paid.
* The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
* You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.


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Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Thanks to this weeks contributors: Jo Anne, Michelle and Siouxan