6/4/99

My eyes! My eyes! What is that fiery orb in the sky?!

Yes Bay Area Residents - It appears that the Angry Fire God is paying us a visit today. Temps should reach a balmy 64 degrees! Get your shorts on everyone! And I pay how much to live in this city? La Nina - I could live without.

For you Mid West and East Coast folks complaining about the heat and mosquitos - Come to SF! And don't forget your parka and sled dogs!

Cheers - MJ

BLONDE JOKE # 1
Two Blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!"


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:
DAY 752- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm must try this with their baby....


BLONDE JOKE # 2
Friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The Brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"


The 12-Step Program for CAA (Computer Addicts Anonymous)
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of checking my mail.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are email-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via email... if I can find the phone.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and thier needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear CNN Interactive.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy playing solitaire.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time....and my computer will still be there tomorrow!


BLONDE JOKE # 3 (A.S.)
Two blondes were having lunch at their favorite restraunt when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few tables away, obviously turning blue.

The first blonde said to the other, "Think we ought help?" "My god yes!" said the second blonde.

The first blonde got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no.

"Can you speak?" The second blonde asked. She again shook her head no.

With that, the first blonde helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. The choking woman was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first blonde turned back to her friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"


YA DON'T SAY?
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid around here."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up," You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart-alec little fella on your knee!"


GOD SPEAKS
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.

Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

We need to talk. -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

My way is the highway. -God

You think it's hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

(And my personal favorite...)
Don't make me come down there. -God


_________________________
If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet,  I'd put shoes on my cat.