6/18/99

THE CURE
The attractive woman, admired by all the husbands at the club, was talking to one of the wives over drinks.

"I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."

The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising dear considering the number of times you've been inoculated."

HISTORY THAT MAKES YOU GO HMMM...

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

BLONDE JOKE #1
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "So, we were the first on the Moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what! We're going to be first on the Sun!"
The Russian and American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the Sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!

YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE WHEN...
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
* You're proud of your lawn mower.
* Your good friend is dating someone half his/her age ... & isn't breaking any laws.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* Neighbors borrow your tools.
* People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
* You send money to PBS.
* You know what the word "equity" means.
* You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
* You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.

BLONDE JOKE #2
There was a blonde taking lessons to fly a helicopter and she was done with all of her ground work and was ready to fly. The instructor said take it up 1000 feet so she takes it 1000 feet levels it off; so the instructor said take it up 2000 feet so she takes it 2000 feet levels it off. The instructor says hmmmm, what they say about these blondes isn't really true (not out loud). So he says take it up 3000 so she takes it up 3000 feet levels it off and they start falling and falling and crash. And the instructor says what happened you were doing just fine? She says well I got cold so I turned off the overhead fan.

A DIRTY MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban school, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." Said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you:

One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

HAIKU ERRORS (S.M.)
In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry:

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

MORNING PRAYER
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures: it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz: it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal(tm): for thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez: thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Starbucks forever.


thanks to this weeks contributors: Sabrina
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(c) Copywight 1999 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.