5/29/99

Top 10 Toys that never really made it

* Tickle Me Monica
* Andy the Attica Prison Bitch
* The Butt Weasel
* My First Enema
* Elky the Vibrating Knife
* Binge-N-Purge Barbie
* The Michael J. Fox Shake-About
* Speak-and-Spell: Ethnic Slurs
* Mad Jack Kevorkian's "Goodnight Grandpa" Home Game
* Horny Horny Hippos


PUZZLED BLONDE
A blonde called her boyfriend and said "I bought this jigsaw puzzle of a rooster, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

The boyfriend goes over to her house and she shows him the puzzle on the kitchen table. When he saw it, he said "Dammit Sarah, put the cornflakes back in the box!!!!"


Signs Your Parents Really Do Hate You
* Your pediatrician is Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
* Bath toys consist primarily of household appliances and cutlery.
* Hey, it wasn't SANTA putting coal in your stocking all these years.
* Refuse to lie for you before a Federal Grand Jury.
* Rarely unchained, even on birthdays.
* All Christmas gifts purchased with tokens.
* Constantly refer to you as "the Asschild."
* They won't talk to the Boulder police department without conditions.
* "Special treat" at birthday party ended up being a pinata filled with razor blades.
* Instead of spanking you, they just wave a gun around.
* Often refer to you as "daddy's little Trojan popper."
* Takes your rectal temperature with that big round one off the front porch.


FEELING LUCKY?
A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"

The blonde then replied, "Because I want to stay up here with you!"


HOW NOT TO GET THE JOB
A 1996 survey of personnel directors of the nation's top corporations revealed that some people have no clue how to behave when they are trying to get a job. Any wonder why THESE losers didn't get the job?

* Challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle
* Claimed he had never finished high school because he had been kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico
* Wore headphones to the interview and, when asked to remove them, replied "Oh, that's okay, I can listen to the you and music at the same time.
* Said she didn't have time for lunch and began to eat a cheeseburger and fries in the interviewer's office.
* Fell and broke his arm during an interview.
* Interrupted the interview to phone his therapist for advice on answering one of the questions.
* Asked the question, "Would it be a problem if I am angry most of the time?".


FUN FACTS
* The only food that cockroaches will not eat is cucumbers.
* Unless you have a doctor's note, it's illegal to buy ice cream after 6 PM in Newark, New Jersey.
* Coors used its slogan, "Turn it loose," in Madrid where it translated as "Suffer from diarrhea."
* 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.


GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE
A man and a wife were late for their son's wedding reception so they were clipping along on the expressway when they both hear a siren and see flashing lights behind them.

Officer: Sir, I am going to have to ticket you for speeding. I clocked you at 80 when you were only supposed to be doing 55.

Man: Officer we had to get to a wedding and we're late as it is.

Woman: Harry, we have at least an hour before we have to be there. (The husband gives her a dirty look)

Officer: I also have to give you a citation for a broken tail light.

Man: Oh officer that just happened because my wife didn't put the car in the garage straight last night.

Woman: Harry, the light was broken a month ago. You said no one would notice. (another dirty look)

Officer: I see that your registration is expired.

Man: Oh I didn't notice.

Wife: Harry, you said a day or two wouldn't hurt.

This time he turned to his wife and said "CAN'T YOU SHUT-UP??"

Officer: Ma'am is that the way he always talks to you??

Woman: No sir, only when he's drunk!


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What goes: Vrooom Screeech Vrooom Screeeech?
A blonde at a flashing red light

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Why did the redneck blonde drown in the back of the pickup?
Because she couldn't get the tailgate down.


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Todays subliminal message is
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