7/9/99

Polite Ways To Say "He's not all there"
Diagnosable.
Doesn't have all his cups in the cupboard.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
Doin' 30 on the freeway.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Dumber than a bag full of hammers.
Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express (From "Barney Miller")
Got too many birds on his antenna.
Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
Half a quart low.
Head whistles in a crosswind.
He left the store without his groceries.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His family tree doesn't fork.
His little red choo choo done jumped the track.
His skylight leaks a little.


The Little Football Fan (M.M.)
A sports reporter for the Sun-Times is walking through Grant Park when he notices two boys playing football. Out of nowhere, a pit bull attacks one of the boys and begins mauling him. The other boy, having no choice, finds a large branch and clubs the dog over the head with it, killing the dog. The shocked reporter rushes over to the two boys, and after finding out they were all right, offers to write a story about the heroic little boy. Since the reporter was a sports reporter, he decided to give his headline a sports slant:

"Young Chicago Bears Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal"

The little boy looks at the headline and says, "Sorry mister, but I'm not a Bears fan. The reporter stops writing and says, "Oh, well since you were playing football and we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were a Bears fan". And so the reporter begins a new headline:

"Little Minnesota Vikings Fan Fends Off Mad Dog Attack"

The little boy looks at the headline and shakes his head. "I'm not a Vikings fan either, mister" says the boy. The reporter erases his headline again and says, "Gee, I thought every kid in the Midwest was either a Bears or Vikings fan. To save time, why don't you just tell me what team you do root for."

The little boy smiles and says, "I'm a Green Bay Packers fan."

The reporter nods and begins his final headline:

"Little Cheesehead Bastard Murders Beloved Family Pet"


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Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow?
She can't touch it until she's 14.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
A good ol' boy raises livestock. A redneck gets emotionally involved.

How do you know when you are staying in a Georgia hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "Go ahead."

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
He has tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia, it's a misdemeanor.

Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.

What do they call it in Georgia?
"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
There was a blonde that thought she was really smart, so she dyed her hair brown. To prove that she was smart, on her way home she stopped at a pasture, and said to the shepard, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The man says, "Sure, why not." So the blonde says to the shepard, "You have 62 sheep in this field. "Yes," says the shepard, "Go ahead and pick one out." The woman picks one out and puts it in her car. Just as she is about to pull away she hears a knock on her window. The shepard says to the woman, "If I can tell you what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?"

Best Country Songs Of All Time
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
* I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
* Mama Get A Hammer, There's A Fly On Papa's Head.
* My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink , And I Don't Love You Anymore
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I sure Do Miss Him
* She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
* If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
* She's Acting Single And I'm Drinkin' Doubles

A Helping Hand From Above
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now - we run like Hell!"


THE CATS DIARY ... continued...
(multiple submissions... is there a whole book fo this stuff?!?)

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "wine." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

THE MORNING SONG ... FOR NON-MORNING PEOPLE (M.J.B.)
- by Robert Quayle

I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still

When suddenly a tiny bird

Perch on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely

So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles

Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places

Of laughter and of fun,

It seemed his very trilling,

Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers

Crept slowly out of bed,

And gently lowered the window

And crushed his freakin' head.

QUOTABLE QUOTES (S.W.)

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

FUN FACTS:
* Polar bears are left handed.
* The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that's the equivelant of a human jumping the length of a football field.
* A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? (L.W.)

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

BLONDE JOKE #2
Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the blonde eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!"


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Site of the week! (C.S.)

http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Studios/9195/mullets2.html

Come on... you remember the "mullet" - lesbian hair cut #347?


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Thanks to this weeks contributors: Caryl, Leah, Mary Jo, Michelle, and Stasha