7/16/99

Happy Birthday Mom!

Top Ten Rejected Segments on 'Martha Stewart Living'

10) Water rings on fine furniture: household mishap or alien communication?
9) Recycling bathroom tissue
8) Using raffia: joint or bong
7) Making a country fresh homemade bomb
6) Calculation of correct oven temperature for children who try to eat my gingerbread house
5) Exposes' of people who have been involved in litigation with me (Note to self--Call Connie Chung, maybe can still get it on 48 HOURS)
4) Shari Lewis shows how to make sock puppet to blame flatulence on
3) Disposal of dead bodies: heads up or down?
2) Willow or birch: which is better for switching date on the bum?
1) Double Indemnity: It's A Good Thing

BE HAPPY
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You`re really doing great, aren`t you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, `Get a hot mamma and be cheerful`."

The Doctor said, "I didn`t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

All Purpose Excuse Form
All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear
a) Mom
b) Dad
c) love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for,

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail,

and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.


FUN FACTS
The word BOOKKEEPER is the only word in the English language with 3 back-to-back double letter combinations.

The custom of serving a slice of lemon with fish dates back to the Middle Ages. It was believed that if a person accidentally swallowed a fish bone, the lemon juice would dissolve it.


Don't Make a Nurse Angry
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

HOT OFF THE PRESS
On a sad note in the news today, veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Ex-Bachelor Orientation: The First Year Syllabus
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
12. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
13. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
14. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
15. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
16. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
17. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
18. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
19. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
20. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It


*****************
During the "rush hour" at Chicago's O'Hare Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should deplane at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."


*****************
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we`ve caught you, we`re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There`s blood gushing out all over, it`s horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, asshole!"

Fishwrap Site of the week!

http://snapcity.com

____________________
Why can't we just spell it orderves?