7/23/99

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK (M.J.B)
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

RABBI MINSKI
A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men's Room.

It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?" "Yes." "You come from Sudbury?" "Yes." "Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?" "Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?" The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!"

TITANIC STORY
There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo

THE PLAN (Lois)
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the faces of the Workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by it's strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And that is how shit happens.


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(M.M.)
Q: How can you tell if a Butch is planning for the future?
A: She buys 2 cases of beer


UH, NO.
Librarians were asked to submit the most ridiculous questions they were ever asked:

"Do you have the words to 'Silent Night' in Hawaiian?"

"Off the top of your head, could you tell me what is currently happening to our chimpanzee population?"

"Is the Mafia currently accepting applications for employment, and do you have their address and phone number?"

"Can you tell me the year Israel started having people?"

"Would you connect me with your Reproductive Services?"

"Please spell the sound an elephant makes."

"Will I float in the air during an eclipse?"

"Could I be connected to your Obsolete Fiction section?"

"What is the latitude and longitude of Baltimore Federal Savings and Loan on the corner of Fayette and St. Paul?"

"What's the proper way to address a dead man?"

"How deep is half a hole?"

"I have chipmonks in my washing machine; what can I do about this?"

"Have scientists been able to produce human life?"

"What is the favorite food of Alaska?"

"I'd like to request a book."
"Is it fiction or non-fiction?"
"Oh, it's neither."

"What sound does a shark make?"

"Is New Zealand in the U.S.? If not, then where is it?"

"How many Munchkins make up a Lollipop Guild?"

"Is it true that the words 'Give us your scum' are engraved on the Statue of Liberty?"

Book requests: "Color Me Purple"
"Old Man and the Sea" by William Shakespeare
"How to Kill a Mockingbird"
"A Tall Tale of Two Cities"

"Do chickens have knuckles?"
"You mean, on their feet?"
"On either their hands or feet."

"Pratt Library Telephone Reference."
"Yes, ma'am. You don't have no big sheets of art paper, do you?"
"No, this is the library."
"But don't ya got no big sheets of art paper?""

"How loud is a pigeon?"

"What do rabbits do for fun?"

"To whom do I write at the University of Maryland to prevent flea infestation?"

"What is the capital of Africa? We are having trouble locating it on the map."

"Do they grow marshmallows on farms?"

"What was the alcohol content of wine in Jesus' time?"

"What library has J.F.K.'s brain in a jar?"

"I'm looking for a picture of an old-time monkey grinder."

"On what day of the week will Easter Sunday be in 1987?"

"Do you have any information on ancient radios of the past?"

"What is a woman called who has very long hair, almost down to the floor?"

"Is St. Patrick Italian?"

"What was the first tree and how long did it live?"

"Do birds fornicate?"

"When are people celebrating the Fourth of July this year?"

"Do you have a list of philanderers?" (Patron wanted philanthropists.)

"Is Seoul in North or South Carolina?"

"I need the names of all the people nicknamed 'The Human Fly.'"

"Can you tell me what 'Neanderthal' means?"
"In what context did you see the word?"
"My sister wouldn't go out with a Neanderthal like you."

"Who was the first Black to die in the Boston Masquerade?"

"Can you tell me the difference between Disneyland and Disneyworld? It always confuses the HELL out of me."

"Was author Margaret Mitchell menstruating when she was run over by a taxi?""

"Where do I go in Baltimore to meet thousands of women?"

"I think I have gold and diamonds in my back yard. Do you have any books on mining?"

"What state rules Yellowstone National Park?"


The Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support

10.) "So...what are you wearing?"
9.) "Duuuuude! Bummer!"
8.) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7.) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6.) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5.) "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4.) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3.) "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2.) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
1.) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

REASONS ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK
* It's an incentive to show up.
* It reduces stress.
* It leads to more honest communications.
* It reduces complaints about low pay.
* Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
* It encourages carpooling.
* Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
* It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
* It makes fellow employees look better.
* It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
* Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
* Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
* Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
* Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
* Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
* Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
* Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
* The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
* Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
* Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

HELPFUL HINTS
* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
* Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle perfect shaped pancakes every time.
* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
* To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
* Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.
* To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
* To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top. Skillet will be much easier to clean now.
* Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces-no more stains.
* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead-no white mess on the outside of the cake.
* If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato-it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator-it will keep for weeks.
* Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful, glossy finish.
* Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up.
* When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.
* To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh-if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
* Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
* Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
* If you have problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
* Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
* To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area - instant relief.
* Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march- see for yourself.
* Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
* When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
* NOW Look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:
1)Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
2) Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
3) Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
4) Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka- Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
5)Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.


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FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK! (K.K.)

Suckcess!

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