7/30/99

YOU KNOW IT'S HOT OUTSIDE WHEN...
* Your car is overheating before you start it.
* Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it.
* Airplanes can't land because the asphalt is too soft.
* It really only takes two fingers to drive your car.
* The ducks in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy"
* The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
* Pigs complain about sweating like humans
* People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
* A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
* You need a spatula to remove your clothing
* You really wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
* It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.
* You burn your hand opening the car door.
* The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Footnote: Some years ago, cattle barons got a contract to ship a herd of cows to Japan. They rigged stalls in a 747; loaded the cows on and gave each a shot of tranquilizer to keep them calm during the flight. As the cows fell asleep, they revved up the engines to taxi out to the runway. The plane couldn't move. The heat and the weight of the herd had caused it to sink into the asphalt. The cost of keeping that plane air-conditioned until the cows woke up and could be unloaded ate up the profit on the contract.


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whats black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes

FUN THINGS TO DO WHILE DRIVING
* Have a friend ride in the back seat. Bound and Gagged.
* Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
* Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the roof.
* Two words: Chicken suit.
* Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
* Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
* Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
* Eat food that requires silverware.
* At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
* Honk frequently without motivation.
* Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
* At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Let pedestrians know who's boss.
* Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
* Restart your car at every stop light.
* Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rearview mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
* Keep at least five cats in the car.
* Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
* If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
* Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
* Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
* Stop and collect roadkill.
* Stop and pray for roadkill.
* Sing without having the radio on.
* Throw cans of Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
* Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oops! Wrong state!"


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"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

TOP 10: WHILE THE BOSS IS ON VACATION
10. The battle begins for the coveted "Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris" Triple Crown.
9. Use boss' computer to send suggestive emails to the local chapter of NOW.
8. Visit local nude beach for daily *staff* meeting.
7. A rousing game of "Pin the Secretary's Tail on the Boss' Desk."
6. Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.
5. Take pictures of his favorite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for resignation day.
4. Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let's Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!
3. Best "imitation of the boss" wins everything in the supply room contest.
2. "Performance reviews" given by a whimsical painted face on the shipping clerk's bare butt.
1. Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of executive office furniture.


EX-BACHELOR ORIENTATION:
EXTRA CREDIT (M.J.B.)

1. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
2. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
3. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
4. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
5. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
6. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
7. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth and Ten" Means
8. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's


MY RESIGNATION (M.M.)
I am hereby tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and overly excited by the little things again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So here are my checkbook and car-keys, my credit card bills and 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you care to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, because:

"Tag! You're it."

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS (M.J.B.)
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
* My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
* I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
* As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
* All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
* I am at one with my duality.
* I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
* I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
* Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step~blaming my parents.
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
* My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
* I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

HOUSEHOLD HINTS
(last weeks received such great feedback - I thought I would include more!)

* Brush back of wrist watch with clear nail polish to prevent a rash.
* Scotch Guard neck ties when they're new to prevent stains.
* Musty smelling books: Put the book in a brown paper bag with baking soda and let sit for approximately one week.
* To keep shower doors shiny and clear, use a soft cloth moistened with baby oil. It prevents scum build-up from dirt and soap. And hard water spots won't appear for several months

* 7 WAYS TO REMOVE WATER OR HEAT MARKS ON WOOD SURFACES
- Polish with pure lemon oil. Find a brand called o'cedar, we were told it's the best brand.
- Use Wright's silver polish, diluted slightly; apply gently, let stand and wipe dry.
- Use spirits of camphor.
- Mix cigar and or cigarette ashes with a couple of drops of water and make a paste. Rub lightly on the mark to remove.
- Try a paste of baking soda and water and use as above in number 4.
- Try as above using toothpaste.
- Again as above using mayonnaise.

* GENERAL SHELF LIVES FOR COMMON ITEMS (From The Food Marketing Institute In Washington DC)
1.) Flour unopened: up to 12 months. Opened: 6-8 months.
2.) Whole Wheat Flour unopened: 1 month. Opened: 6-8 months if refrigerated.
3.) Sugar unopened: 2 years. Sugars do not spoil but eventually may change flavor.
4.) Brown sugar unopened: 4 months.
5.) Confectioners sugar unopened: 18 months.
6.) Solid shortening unopened: 8 months. Opened: 3 months.
7.) Cocoa unopened: indefinitely. Opened: 1 year.
8.) Whole spices: 2-4 years. Whether or not opened.
9.) Ground spices: 2-3 years. Whether or not opened.
10.) Paprika, red pepper and chili powder: 2 years when kept in refrigerator.
11.) High acid canned items such as fruit juice, tomato soup and things in vinegar unopened: 12-18 months.
12.) Baking soda unopened: 18 months. Opened: 6 `months.
13.) Baking powder unopened: 6 months. Opened: 3 months.
14.) Cornstarch: 18 months. Whether or not opened.
15.) Dry pasta made without eggs unopened: 2 years. Opened: 1 year.
16.) Dry egg noodles unopened: 2 years. Opened: 1-2 months.
17.) Salad dressing unopened: 10-12 months. Opened: 3 months if refrigerated.
18.) Low acid canned items such as soup, meats, gravy and vegetables unopened: 2-5 years.
19.) Honey: 1 year. Weather or not opened.
20.) Worcestershire sauce: 1 year. Weather or not opened.
21.) Ground, canned coffee unopened: 2 years. Opened: 2 weeks, if refrigerated.
22.) Instant coffee in jars or tins unopened: 12 months. Opened: 3 months.
23.) Bottled water unopened: 1-2 years. Opened: 3 months.
24.) Pudding mixes unopened: 1 year. Opened: 4 months.
25.) Jams, jellies and preserves unopened: 1 year. Opened: 6 months if refrigerated.
26.) Peanut butter unopened: 6-9 months. Opened: 2-3 months.
* Mug Stains: To clean coffee/tea stains from a mug, just rub the inside with salt.
* Itch Reliever: Rub a thin slice of salted raw potato on hives or insect bites.
* Emergency Shoe Shine: For a spur-of-the-moment job, rub your leather shoes with the inside of a banana peel; then clean and buff with a paper towel or napkin.
* Onion Tears: A partly burned match, burnt end out - or crust of bread between teeth, prevents tears. Or holding hands under running water periodically should help.
* Put a ripped bay leaf into the flour bag to keep the bugs out.


SITE OF THE WEEK
IN-N-OUT

BONUS SITE OF THE WEEK: (J.K)
I didn't believe it either, but you can actually take a picture of yourself through your monitor.

Check it out...

WEB CAM!

________________________
We waste time, so you don't have to!