8/6/99

Due to the following letter received, I regret to inform my audience that you must sign a liablity release in order to remain on the mailing list:

Dear Friday FishWrap

I have to officially file a complaint. Last week, I ended up getting a splinter, and for the first time ever, was delighted that I got it since it gave me a chance to test out the "tip" posted on the Fishwrap site. (Note: The splinter was not deliberate!)

Much to the shock and horror of all present, I foolishly attempted to remove it in the middle of a prospective client meeting. After about a role of tape, as well as some frantic improvisations like banging the tape on my finger, creating pins out of the tape ala Martha Stewart, and even rubbing my finger against some rough wood to make sure that it wasn't just a bad angle, I was embarrassed to the extent that I burst into tears and ran out of the room. Needless to say, we never won the account.

Who do I list on the lawsuit?


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Did you hear about the blonde couple that were frozen to death in their car at a drive in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the winter"


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Ok, There was Hercules,Snow White, and Quasimodo. Hercules wanted to know if He was the strongest, Snow White if she was the prettiest, and Quasimodo if he was the uglest. Then Hercules said "The Gods will tell us in our sleep." So they went to sleep. The next next day they woke up and they said:

Hercules: "I am the stongest!" Snow White:"I am the prettiest!" Quasimodo:" Who's Linda Tripp?"


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HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE!


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RIDDLE OF THE WEEK!
What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in an hour?
First right answer will be posted in next weeks Wrap!


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Did you here about the pregnent blonde?
She hoped it wasn't her's.

QUOTABLE QUOTES
"Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and socially dead."

" A lie gets halfway arond the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on!"
-Sir Winston Churchill

"The diffrence between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
- Tom Clancy

LAWYER FODDER
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

WHO REALLY WEARS THE PANTS?
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants." "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try them on. "No way. I can't get into your pants." "That's right. And that's the way it will be until you change your attitude."


QUICKIES

Q. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.


AMISH AT THE MALL (M.M.)
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life! I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls pened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother"

NEVER ASSUME (J.B.)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... very big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then ...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare me," she prayed.

More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to,we'll push the button."

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor.I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?

She didn't know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room- a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed,

Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

SITE OF THE WEEK!
http://www.jimnabors.com/intro.html


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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.