8/13/99

LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:
Michael S. was the first with the correct answer to the riddle: the letter m

Honorable mention - in the order they were received:
Dana
Cornelius
Joel
Cyndi

THIS WEEKS RIDDLE:
There are 9 body parts that are spelled with only 3 letters. Can you name all 9?


BLOND JOKE OF THE WEEK:
A blond decides to do something wild that she's never done before, so she rents her first adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Blond: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blond: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'


QUOTE OF THE WEEK"
"Buying stock is exactly the same thing as going to a casino, only with no cocktail service."
- Ted Allen

TRAY TABLES UP PLEASE: (G.M.)
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced, "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.

A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply.

Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well, in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"


GM STRIKES BACK: (C.C.F.)
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.

7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.

8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).

9 Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.


CITY GIRLS
You know you're a SF party girl when...

* You still don't know what you're doing for New Year's Eve 1999.
* You have dated someone who used to date your roommate's best friend's sister's cousin, or your roommate.
* You know that red is the "new black".
* The only consideration when buying your cell phone was the weekend minute plan.
* You regard "Brigitte Jones' Dairy" as gospel & the author, a literary genius.
* Your haircut costs more than a small car.
* You need to blend two lip-pencils, plus a lipstick & a gloss, just to get your shade.
* You have a contraband tube of Retin-A from Mexico somewhere in your home.
* About married friends... on the weekends you ask "What in the heck were they thinking?" on weeknights you think "I bet she's getting a foot massage right now."
* You've won bingo at Ace Wasabi.
* You own a very special pair of Jackie-O hangover sunglasses.
* The only time you ever cook a full meal is to impress a date.
* You feel that $25 is a bit "pricey" for a mani/pedi combo.
* You didn't think of "Swingers" as a hip, funny movie. To you it was a social documentary on the mysterious behaviors of single men. You took notes.
* You regard e-mail as a flirting device with editing capabilities.
* You have 18 pairs of black shoes, not including the ones in your strappy sandal collection.
* You know the difference between midnight black, jet black, off-black, gray black, and black black.
* Your bumper sticker reads "I stop for BeBe."
* You have no Full Fat items in your refrigerator. Except wine, because they don't make Cakebread Lite.
* You've attended the Polk Street Fair, the North Beach Fair, and the Union Street Fair, but have never bought a craft. (There were crafts there?)
* You own a Jetta, Saab 900, or RAV-4. It's about a year old, but it only has 12 miles on it because you take Muni to work & cab it on the weekends.
* The 12 miles on your car are from going to Trader Joes that one time for Tuna Jerky, Toblerone, and wine.
* You place the invention of self-tanner on the level of the wheel.
* You only feel like going to the gym on "thin days" (logic?).
* You have given your phone number to a guy, he's called, you made a date, and you have absolutely no recollection of what he looks like.
* You've used the "It's not you, it's me" line at least once in the last year.
* You've danced on the bar at Mars Cafe.
* You've pulled an item from your laundry (you know the one- the one that makes you look good under any circumstances), sprayed a little perfume on it, waved it around, and declared "It's not so bad."
* You've gone to a restaurant with a friend, ate the complimentary bread, split a salad, each had a bottle of wine and called it dinner.
* You have a knee-jerk, lightening fast reflex, to close personal e-mail when your boss walks by. (ooops is that them?)

FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK!

http://bitterwaitress.com