8/27/99

LAST WEEKS RIDDLE WINNER!
Elizabet!

arm
leg
lip
hip
toe
eye
ear
gum
jaw

Bonus: rib

Other's submitted but not included above:
pit
zit (not really a body part!)
tit
ass

Others with correct or clever answers:
Lori S.
Michael S.
Cyndi -
Caryl -
Mary Jo -
and a special mention for Don who cleverly came up with: One could also consider:
foot
knee
ball
since they use only three letters, however some letters are repeated.


THIS WEEKS RIDDLE:
The maker doesnt' want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it... what is it?

BLONDE LOTTERY
Once there was this blonde woman named Sally. She lost her job, was evicted from her house and was flat broke. She decided to pray to God. "Dear God, I'm not doing very good with money these days and I can'tland a job. Will you please let me win the lottery? Amen"

So the next day she checks the news, but she didn't win. So she asked God again. "God, I asked you the other day to let me win the lottery, but I didn't win. I pray to you - please let me win tonight! Amen"

The next day - again she doesn't win. She asks god "I've prayed to you twice before, but I still didn't win. Please, help me. Amen"

Then God says to her, "Sally, you've got to meet me half way here. At least buy a Ticket!"

NOT ALL DUMB BLONDES ARE WOMEN!
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You jerk!" shouts the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"


HOW TO ANNOY YOUR NEIGHBORS:

1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants..

3.) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e.: chairs, books, lamps, etc.)

4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing hysterically.

5.) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."

7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

8.) Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body.

9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)

10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

QUOTABLE QUOTES
"The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
- Nancy Astor

FUN FACTS:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Who knew that pigs even HAD orgasms?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (And yet, there's that pig thing ...)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home.. What the...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs"

CIA TEST:
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job.

The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!". "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.""No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door.

Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the freaking chair!"

CHILDRENS BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
(some are repeats folks)
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Youngest Sibling"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Yogi Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have that You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK!

http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/
http://www.wtfman.com/mcd/dick2.htm