9/3/99

LAST WEEKS RIDDLE: STUMPER!! Noone got it!

The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it... what is it?

Answer: A Coffin

I'll go easier on you this week...

THIS WEEKS RIDDLE:
If you drop this from the tallest building it will not be destroyed, but if you drop it in the ocean it will.

What is it?

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK:
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said

"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."


SIGNS YOUR POOL NEEDS CLEANING:
* That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.
* Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
* Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
* New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
* Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.
* You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.
* You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.


TOP REJECTED SHAKESPEARE TITLES
* Christopher Marlowe Can Kiss My Elizabethan Ass
* Henry VIII, I Am, I Am
* Fast Times at Verona High
* A Midsummer Night's Nocturnal Emission
* Om'let
* Love's Fing'r Pulled
* Romeo & Steve
* Twelfth Night, Children Stay Free
* Henry VIII was a Big Fat Idiot
* Six Degrees of Francis Bacon
* Stratford-upon-Avon 90210
* Hamlet II - Where the hell is everybody?
* Romeo & Michelle's High School Reunion
* King Gump
* Booty Calleth


TOP 10 REASONS YOU WERE FIRED FROM TOYS R US:
10: A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
9: Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
8: You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
7: Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
6: You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
5: Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
4: The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
3: Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
2: Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
1: Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.


LABOR DAY WEEKEND:
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were preparing the backyard for their party. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

PICTURE THIS:
Three men came up to Peter at the pearly gates. Peter told them that in order for them to gain admittance they would have to tell him how they died. The first guy's story was that he was homeless and one day while in an alley looking in dumpsters a refridgerator came out of nowhere and crushed him. Odd as it sounded Peter allowed him in.

The second guy's story was that he had come home a few hours early one day to surprise his wife. When he got there he saw evidence of another man having been there, so he immediatley rushed in expecting to find his wife in the act. When he busted in he saw his wife half naked but no other guy. Knowing that something was up he searched the apartment and found the kitchen door cracked open. Figuring that the man ran down the fire escape he became so filled with rage that he pushed the refridgerator out the door and off the balcony. The adrenaline rush was to uch for his body and he fell over due to a heart attack. Putting the stories together Peter laughed to himself and allowed the man entrance.

"What's your story?" Peter asked the third man.

He replied "Picture this, I'm sitting naked in a refridgerator....."


=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Q:What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.


THE TIPSTER
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes, How may I help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"Thank you for the tip. We'll investigate this matter"

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, interogate Tom for 2 hours and leave. That night the phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come by today?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

LETTER TO GOD:
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly. His mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for weeks, but nothing turned up. He then decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.00. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank you letter to God. The letter he wrote was as follows:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington, D.C.. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.


THIS WEEK IN HISTORY
Featured Date: September 1st

1810 - The first plow with interchangeable parts was patented by John J. Wood.

1830 - Sarah J. Hale published her nursery rhyme, 'Mary had a little lamb'.

1858 - The East India Company's government of India ended with the British crown taking over its territories and duties.

1878 - Emma Nutt became the first woman telephone operator when she went to work for Edwin Holmes and his Telephone Dispatch Company in Boston, Massachusetts.

1951 - Britain's first supermarket opened in Earl's Court, London.


FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK:
Ed. note: Apparently NONE of the helpful hints that went out a few weeks ago were very helpful. What with the lawsuit threat over the splinter and the various e-mails akin to "I tried the %$#@* alka-seltzer thing and IT DIDN'T WORK! " I have decided to send you to a professional:

http://www.mrclean.com

(and I don't want to hear anything about your Mr. Clean fantasies. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!)


____________________________
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.