9/10/99

LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:
If you drop this from the tallest building it will not be destroyed, but if you drop it in the ocean it will.

What is it?

Answer: A piece of paper

No one got the answer I was looking for but there were some good ones!

ice cubes
a bar of soap
a tin can
a snowflake
"ing"
A bucket of water
A feather


Cheers to:
Elizabeth M.
Jim W.
Michael S.
Andrew K.
Christopher D.

THIS WEEKS RIDDLE

It turns metal into dust, it flies, and it kills everyone...what is it?


IF THE APOSTLES HAD BEEN GAY
* The Last Supper would have been brunch....
* Instead of "Blessed be . . . ," the beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they . . . ."
* Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem would have been a production number with lots of ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey.
* The water at the wedding feast of Canna would not have been changed to wine, but to extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
* The temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just redecorated.
* Mary's hair would have been flawless.
* The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Lance and Bruce.
* Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys.....wait, never mind.
* Jesus would never wear white after labor day.


WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
A mother was making pancakes for her two children, Kevin 5 years old and Larry 3 years old. The boys were at the table waiting for their pancakes and fighting about who would get the first one. Their mother saw this as a good time to teach them a lesson so she turned to them and said, "If Jesus were here he would say you go ahead and take the first one." Kevin looked at his little brother Larry and said, "Okay, you be Jesus."


PIERRE, THE FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT!
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out or a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower.

"Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, French the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

THE SWEDISH SISTERS
Two Swedish sisters go to a photographer to get their picture taken. Being blonde, they question each other on what the photographer is doing. When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks.....

"Vots he goink to do?"
Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!"
The second cries," Bot of us at de same time!?!"


o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made from plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"


THE PROOF
A senior citizen finally decided to go to the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet, the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was promptly signed up for his benefits. Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK!
A Blonde was on an airplane headed to Los Angeles. The flight attendant was checking tickets in First Class when she informed the blonde "Your ticket is for coach class ma'am, I'll have to ask you to move to your assigned seat." The blonde replied "I am blonde, beautiful and I'm going to L.A. First Class!"

The flight attendant asked the lead flight attendant to assist in moving the blonde. Again the blonde replied "I am blonde, beautiful and I'm going to L.A. First Class!"

Finally they asked the captain to come and help. He whispered something to the blonde and she went running back to coach. Amazed, they asked the captain what he had said. "Simple" he replied, "I told her that First Class was going to New York, not Los Angeles"

BE KIND TO STRANGERS
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."


THINGS TO DO AT THE MOVIE THEATER
* Inform the entire theatre that you have to go to the bathroom. Wait a minute or so and tell everyone that you feel better now.
* Applaud
* Sing along with the backround music.
* Yell "Hey, down in front!" even if you are stting in the front.
* Make shadow pupputs.
* Read the credits out loud.
* Stand by the screen and sign the movie.
* Walk in front of the screen, fall, and lay there for a few minutes. Then get up and go back to your seat as if nothing happened. Do it again every ten minutes.
* Repeat the lines with the movie, in the language of your choice.
* Bring a portable T.V. Watch the ball game. Cheer loudly.
* Throw paper airplanes. Anounce their take off like air traffic control personnel.
* Break into a chrous of "Green Acres" during climatic parts of the movie.

FUN FACTS

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association, one in 11 people suffer from some kind of phobia at some time in their lives. Psychologists know little about the origin of phobias. Women are more prone to phobias than men.

Sophophobia is a fear of learning.
Gephyrophobia is a fear of bridges or crossing them.
Cyberophobia is a fear of computers or working on them.
Gerascophobia is a fear of growing old.
Ergophobia is a fear of work.

FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK
http://www.blairkitsch.com/

"When three trendspotters get lost in the Hamptons woods, terror knows no social status! "


___________________________
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.