9/17/99

LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:

It turns metal into dust, it flies, and it kills everyone...what is it?

Answer: TIME

Correct responses in the order received:

Elizabeth!
Joanne
Cathrine Z
Michelle
Andrew
Stasha

Joels gets an honorable mention with this answer:

Pre-1985 DC-10s?

THIS WEEKS RIDDLE (another easy one)

the poor have it
the rich need it
its greater than god
worse than the devil
and if you eat it you'll die

SIGNS YOUR CAT IS OVERWEIGHT
* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
* Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
* Always lands on her spleen.
* Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
* Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
* No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
* Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
* It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
* He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
* Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
* Has more chins than lives.

TRAVEL TIP:
Next time you fly internationally, don't bring along extra sugar. And definitely don't bring it along in large, duct-taped plastic bags.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A Highway Patrolman notices a car swerving all over the road, and turns on lights and sirens and pulls it over. The blonde behind the wheel is in tears.

"Oh, Officer, it's terrible! I went to the grocery store and the car wash, and was headed home when a tree appeared in the middle of the road! I swerved left to avoid it, and suddenly there was ANOTHER tree right in the middle of the road! I swerved to the right to avoid it, and there was ANOTHER tree right in the middle of the road! I've been dodging trees for the last five miles, and I'm at the end of my rope!" "Um, ma'am", replied the trooper, "..... that's your air freshener"


NEW OUTPATIENT PROCEDURE
Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique, and the prevailing opinion that newer breast implant material has been determined to be safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.

They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."


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Only 105 weapons-stockpiling days until Y2K!

BLONDE JOKE # 2
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..." Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..." ...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

THAT DAMN PARROT
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

LITTLE JOHNNY
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My Grandpa taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers Little Johnny.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your Grandpa did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says Little Johnny.


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Q What goes clippityclop.clippityclop.bang.bang.clippityclop.clippityclop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.


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Q: What do you get when you cross a dishonest politician and a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea


o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


THE HIGH PRICE OF GASOLINE:
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So an article in "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light.

What if you were to buy a gallon of....
* Diet Snapple 16 oz. for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
* Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
* Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
* Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
* Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
* Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
* STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
* Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
* Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
* Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
* Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon


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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor.
"Make me one with everything"


QUOTABLE QUOTES
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
- Franck Dubosc

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
- Emo Philips

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Tim Steeves

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
- Rich Jeni

"Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
- John Barrymore


FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK

Following last weeks lead:
http://www.wickedwitchproject.com/

Bud's Travels
http://members.aol.com/touristbud


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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard on duty.