9/24/99

LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:

the poor have it
the rich need it
its greater than god
worse than the devil
and if you eat it you'll die

Answer: Nothing

Correct responses:
Joanne
Jennie
Andrew

Honorable Mention: Steve with this answer: Shit.

THIS WEEKS RIDDLE:
What do you eat the inside and throw away the outside, and eat the outside and throw away the inside?

MS. SMITH
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Did you hear about the Blonde that got lost in her thoughts? It was unfamiliar territory.


HOW TO WRITE GOOD
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. The adverb always follows the verb.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing ! carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a blonde woman mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Look," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "Oh, I know," answered the blonde, concentrating furiously. "I already got THAT side."

Introducing White Trash Barbie!
She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-they're better'n-you Barbies! Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend.

Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with: * Two packs of Marlboro Reds for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
* A six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
* Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals. (Hot pants, blue jean cut-offs, or crotchless panties may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.)
* Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back and she's knocked up . . . again!
* Action bitch pull string! Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' you god damn kids to git the hell outa my yard!" "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my fuckin' cigarettes?", and more.

Also available:
* Barbie Double-wide Dream Trailer.
* Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set.
* Barbie's wormy cat Rufus also included.
* Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset (sold seperately)
* Barbie Dream Car. 1986 Chevy Chevette in mix-n'-match colors, smokin' chokin' exhaust and real plywood floor-boards Coat hanger radio antenna. (smoke non-toxic unless breathed)
* Abusive boyfriend Kenny with Asskickn' leg action and PimpSlap backhand. Comes with cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle. Curses, mumbles when string is pulled. African-American version available. (except Mississippi)
* Married Life Kenny with sweat-stained wife-beater tank and Beer-bustin' expanding waist. Molded to recliner. Comes with TV remote, beer, chips. Say's "Shut-up woman." "Git me a beer.", and "Where's my chicken Pot Pie, bitch?" (Waist cannot be reduced once expanded)

A FEW MORE PHOBIAS
* Vestiphobia - Fear of clothing
* Tonitrophobia- Fear of thunder
* Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting
* Nephophobia- Fear of clouds
* Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge

QUOTEABLE QUOTES
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
- Aristotle Onassis (1906 - 1975)

TRIVIA: (For our film buffs)
In Britain, the first instance of a demand for film censorship came from an outraged cheese industry in 1898. Charles Urban had released one of his scientific films taken through a microscope which revealed the unappealing bacterial activity in a piece of Stilton.

EXCUSE NOTES:
* Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
* Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
* Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
* Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
* John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
* Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
* Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
* My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
* My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
* Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
* Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
* Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
* Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
* George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
* Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
* Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
* Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
* Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.


o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Q: Did you hear about the guy who put the condom on backwards?
A: He went.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED

* I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
* I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
* I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.
* I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
* I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
* I've learned- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.
* I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.
* I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.
* I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so.
* I've learned- that no matter how good a guy is, he'll eventually revert.
* I've learned- that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.
* I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

* I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes. * I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.


FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK

http://www.cranial.com/hertes.html

http://realbeer.com/


_______________________
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.