10/1/99

NO RIDDLE THIS WEEK:
LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:
What do you eat the inside and throw away the outside, and eat the
outside and throw away the inside?
Answer: Corn on the Cob.
(large pitted fruits do not count!)
Only one person got the right answer:
Nancy!

TOP 10 WORST THINGS ABOUT AUTUMN
10. Cable-knit sweaters leave virtually everything to the imagination.
9. Dennis Rodman's hair turns from yellow to red.
8. Martha Stewart's recipes always seem to feature phallic-shaped squash.
7. Annoying shrieks of the leaves as they hurtle toward the ground -- or am *I* the only one who hears these?
6. Time to lower the barbecue grill to half mast.
5. Chicago Cubs already mathematically eliminated from *next* year's baseball playoffs.
4. 3.7 million migratory birds flying south for the winter -- directly over my car.
3. Cold mornings followed by hot afternoons leave your nipples exhausted.
2. Death. Death surrounds us, infuses the air with its foul presence, sucks life from once-breathing limbs, colors the sky a putrefying grey. Also, ski accessories get marked WAY up.
and the Number 1 Worst Thing About Autumn...

1. Falling leaves makes the dog walking park a hidden mine field.

20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

WHAT A LUCKY GUY!
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR 20'S WHEN:
* Your potted plants stay alive.
* Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
* You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
* 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
* You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
* You carry an umbrella.
* You watch the Weather Channel.
* Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
* Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
* You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't turndown the stereo.
* Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
* You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
* Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
* You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
* Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
* MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
* You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
* A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
* Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
* "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

FOOTPRINTS REVISITED
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave your butt prints in the sand."

o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Old Poem, New Twist
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money and doesn't
appear to realize that you had set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN...
.... Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
.... You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
.... The little league puts you on waivers.
.... Your suggestion box starts ticking.
.... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
.... You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
.... You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
.... They pay your wages out of petty cash.
.... The moths in your money belt starve to death.
.... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
.... You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
.... Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
.... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
.... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
.... Your wife starts charging you rent.
.... A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
.... You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
.... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
.... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
.... Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
.... There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
.... The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
.... The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
.... A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.

12 Tips for Managers from Employees
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do?
7. I f a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don;t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost down.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK:
http://www.artgonepostal.com/
http://peacefire.org/staff/bennett/autodave/autodave.html
_____________________________
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.