10/15/99

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK!
One day a blonde and her friend decide to go ice fishing. They go to a frozen pond and start cutting a hole in the ice when they hear an ominous voice say "Theres no fish here". So they move to a different spot and start cutting another hole when they hear the voice again "Theres no fish here" so they move to another spot and start cutting another hole when they hear the voice again and it says "Would you please stop cutting holes in the ice skating rink"

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?
1:  The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.  At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.  A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2:  In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record.  Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and  electricity had been cut off.

3: A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.  Intending to jolt him away from the  deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his  arm in two places.  Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

4: Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn.  Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

 And the capper.......

5: Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.  It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.  Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS
*  The Cat in the Blender

*  Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

*  Fox in Detox

*  Who Shat in the Hat?

*  Horton Hires a Ho

*  The Flesh-Eating Lorax

*  How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

*  Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?

*  Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

*  Are You My Proctologist?

*  Yentl the Lentil

*  Aunts in My Pants

*  Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!

*  The Grinch's Ten Inches

*   Green Cheese & Spam

*  Who Flung Goo on Betty Sue?

*  Feel It, Find It, Pick

FINDING GOD IN THE FOREST
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear.  Full of fear, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful.  He turned away and started to run as fast as he could.  Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.  His hopes were dim.  But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God!  Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter.  The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive..."

IDIOTS AT WORK (MM)
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when  the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.  So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:  "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AIRPORT IDIOCY
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"  He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

CROSSWALK IDIOCY
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

#2 BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK (MM)
Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river and don't know how to get across.

The first blond guy prays to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross the river.  God turns him into a brown-haired man, and he swims across.

The second blond guy prays to God to make him even smarter, so he can think of a better way to cross the river.  God turns him into a red-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

The third blond guy prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.

A LEISURELY DRIVE
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.  She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred!  Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!  You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

6 PRESIDENTS ON A SINKING BOAT
Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first."
Nixon says: "Screw the women."
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
There once was a girl from St. Paul
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
And when it caught fire,
It burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash yesterday?

Some dick cut her off!

QUOTABLE QUOTES
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
(Thanks Joel!)

"Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles."
- Roseanne Barr

FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK!
http://www.rivertrout.com/main.html
(I am thinking about suing for copyright infringement!)

http://www.nga.gov/feature/stieglitz/asmain.htm

http://www.slanguage.com/funswahili.html
(Thanks Michelle!)

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Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.