10/29/99

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS  BETTER THAN SEX: (M.M.)
 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

 6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

 2. Less guilt the next morning....

 and the number one reason trick-or-treating is better than sex ....

 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK:
A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way.  He will be there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

GENERIC VIAGRA (C.C.F.)
All drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is Acetaminophen,
Advil is Ibuprofen, etc.

For the last few months, the FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. Yesterday they announced that they have finally settled on Mycoxafailin

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What do engineers do with too much time on their hands? (S.W.)

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.  Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.  I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.   In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack  it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503
U.S.A.

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a  coupon for a free * pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money".  I  have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.  There can be only one.

THE NEW CAR
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.  Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.  It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.  "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
 
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.  He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and  cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

FUN FACTS:
A snail can sleep for 3 years.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK (J.B.)
http://www.cat-scan.com/