11/5/99

THE WORK VIRUS (C.C.F.)
There is a new virus going around, called 'work'. If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via e-mail, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague. DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open 'work' or even look at 'work' have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter 'work' via e-mail or are faced with any 'work' at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your crap........ I'm off to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the 'work' to your garbage can and put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or gin and tonic). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work' will no longer be of any relevance to you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the greatest cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already corrupted your life.

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A blond is going to sell her car that has 500,000 miles on it and her friend tells her to set back the odometer to get a better price.  A week later her friend asks if she sold the car and the blond says "What?!  No way! I'm not selling a car with only 5,000 miles on it!"

FAMILY TRADITIONS!
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.  After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.  Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know , but that's the way my mom always did it.

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother , the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would  never fit into my baking pan."

BLONDE JOKE #2
 A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding  car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" 

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

MUTUAL ORGASM
Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a  Catskill hotel lobby.  "You know, " says Sadie, "I've been reading this ''Sex and Marriage" book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.  Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?  "No," says Esther, "I think we had AllState."

THE DALMATIAN
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

Then a third child brought the argument to a close...

"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

THINGS I LEARNED AT THE MOVIES
* During all police investigations it IS necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
* All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
* All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
* Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
* Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
* Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
* If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
* Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
* A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when  they're going to go off.
* When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
* When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
* One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
* Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be  investigated more closely.
* If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath.  German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
* Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
* Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
* All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
* Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
* When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
* Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
* You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
* Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
* When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
* An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
* Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
* Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
* If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
* The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

PET PEEVES OF PETS
* Dog:  They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.
*  Goldfish:  Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy!  Fish flakes!
* Dog:  "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
* Cat:  Suck out one baby's breath and you're a pariah.
* Goldfish:  The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank.  So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!
* Parrot:  Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy bastards ever *really* give me a cracker?  HELL, no!!
* Dog:  Human legs that just tease.
* Dingoes:  When you snatch a boney, crunchy baby instead of a plump, juicy one.
* Cat:  Why are these people in my house?
* Dog:  What the... HEY!!!  Where are my balls?!?!
* Goldfish:  "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"

FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK:
http://www.radioflyer.com
You've come a long way baby!

http://www.hsx.com/
Trade 'em like junk bonds!

_____________________________
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.