11/12/99

Congratulations to Jenny Rebecca and Micheal Pendergast and a big welcome to the world to their new baby girl Maggie (9 pounds, 13 ounces)

Congrats to Beth Goldstein on moving to the Private Sector!

Have a great weekend! - MJ

THE TWINS
A woman gives borth to identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan -- seeking to establish contact with his biological parents -- sends a picture to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her then-partner that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her partner responds, "But they are twins-once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

POWER OF ADVERTISING (C.C.F)
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

GETTING OLD: (J.F.)
What a drag it is getting old...... When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near The food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit  and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I  said: "Well, then why  are you crying?" She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the  afternoon."

I said: "Well so why  are you crying?" She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."

I  said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said: "I CAN'T  REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE (J.F.)
Fruitcake:
     1 cup water
     1 cup sugar
     4 large eggs
     2 cup dried fruit
     1 teaspoon baking soda
     1 teaspoon salt
     1 cup brown sugar
     lemon juice
     nuts
     1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.  Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink.  Repeat.  Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay.

Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer.  Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.  Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something.  Who cares.   Check the whiskey. Now sift lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar or something.  Whatever you can find. Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.   Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out the window. Check  the whiskey again.  Go to bed.

Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

OH YEAH? (C.C.F)
 A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Vermonter were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar.

 The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."

 The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"

The Vermonter drained his bottle of Catamount beer, threw it up in  the air, drew his deer rifle, and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan.

 "Where I come from," he said, "we recycle these... and we have plenty of New Yorkers,"

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK: (C.C.F.)
A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hailstorm.  Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.  She drove to the body shop.  The mechanic explained what needed to be done and said that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.  She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.  The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well, you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out."  She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.  She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her neighbor, another blonde, came over for a visit.  "What are you doing?" she shrieked, thinking the worst and thankful that she just may have prevented her friend from committing suicide.  "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop out all these dents in my car," explained the first blonde.  "Well, silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.  "Why not?" asked the first blonde.  "Because you've got to roll the windows up first."

Rejected Pokémon Names
(ed. note: I just don't get the whole Pokémon thing - but someone out there does...)
 
* Jigglybutt
* Herpekachu
* Bongbuzz
* Rastamon
* Chepejapaneztoi
* Mommysbroke
* Wakamole
* Watchutawkinboutwillis
* Tracilords
* Liberachee

HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

Things You Should Never Say to a Naked Man
*  It's so cute.
* Who circumcised you?
* Wow, and your feet are so big.
* It's OK, we'll work around it.
* Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
* Let me go get my tweezers.
* This explains your car.
* All right!  A treasure hunt!
* Why is Lord punishing you?
* Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
*  Are you cold?
* Is that an optical illusion?
* So, this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

FUN FACTS: THIS WEEK IN HISTORY
1775 - The U.S. Marine Corps was authorized under authority of the Continental Congress.

1939 - The first air-conditioned automobiles went on display at the Auto Show in Chicago.

1969 - The classic, "Sesame Street" debuted on 170 Public Broadcasting
stations and 20 commercial outlets. Created by the Children’s Television
Workshop, the show starred endearing characters including Gordon, Susan,
Bob, Bert, Ernie, the Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch and, of course, Big Bird.

FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK
 http://scriptorium.lib.duke.edu/adaccess/
Ad Access

http://absurdgallery.com/clowns.shtml (K.H.)
Clowns are Scary!

__________________________
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, please put down the video camera and come help me.