11/19/99

FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE SUPERMARKET 
*  Walk around yelling "Peanuts! Get your hot roasted peanuts."
*  Wait at the front door and ask people for their coats and hats.
*  Stop people and ask them to pose for a picture.
*  Run around with a box of tissues screaming its a bomb!
*  While waiting in the check out line, drop a pen and when someone picks it up say (really loud) "Stop stealing! That's mine!"
*  Walk through the store by yourself and start a fight with an imaginary person.
*  Go to customer service and ask for Amanda Hugandkiss.
*  When people aren't looking, put pregnancy test in their baskets.
*  Hide in the freezer and jump out and scare people.
*  Ask people if you can borrow things out there carts. Just for a minute.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
HOW TO COPE WITH THE STRESS:
*  Compliment the in-laws on the food and the house—no need to be honest here.
*  Bring gifts and stay busy cooking and cleaning.
*  Keep your relatives eating—anything—to prevent them from talking.
*  Stay in a hotel and commandeer an escape vehicle.
*  Pre-Schedule a few phone sessions with your therapist.
*  Hit the nearest gay bar at night.
*  Take long walks ... even in a blizzard.
*  Use up all of your vacation time so that you have a legitimate excuse not to visit.
*  Drink lot's of alcohol!

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,  "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what  happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

YOU LOOK FAMILIAR
A young kid gets on the bus. He has spiked green, yellow, blue and red hair. He's wearing a long feather earring, has chains coming from his nose, and is wearing no shoes and a torn up leather jacket.

There old man on the bus who cannot help but glare at the young kid. So about 5 miles down the road the young kid gets up the nerve and yells "hey old man what you looking at, didn't you ever do anything crazy."

The old man replies "yes when I was in the navy I had sex with a parrot, I just thought maybe you were my son.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
A couple came upon a wishing well.  The hubby leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a coin.  The wife then decided to make a wish.  But when she leaned over, she fell into the well.  The husband was stunned, but then smiled and said to himself, "Damn.  It really works."

THE MISTRESS
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that is my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous  woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK!
Each year approximately 20 people do this when they see a Goodyear Blimp. What do they do?

FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK
http://scoweb.sco.ca.gov/scoucp/inquiry/index.htm
Sign on and see if you've got any unclaimed money hanging around! (J.B.)
Also see: http://www.missingmoney.com/

http://www.swedenrules.com/
Thank Odin for Volvo!

http://www.lesion.com/tgiving.html
The first known lesbian pilgram... "Peg"

http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Boulevard/8005/sitemapp.html
Madcap Martha Stewart