December 03, 1999
12/3/99
WHAT IF THERE HAD BEEN THREE WISE WOMEN???
They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and, brought practical gifts.
AMAZON DOT COM: WISH LIST FEEDBACK
For those of you that have:
a) set up a wish list or
b) been unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end
Dear Sir or Ma'am: Thank you for the seventy emails inviting me to "join" your Wish List. After visiting the site I found it poorly named. One might more aptly assign the moniker: In Your Dreams List, or AreYouOuttaYourMIND?List, perhaps even a When Hell Freezes Over! List. Semantics aside, I am thrilled to be one of the many, many BCC: invitees and will happily offer my credit information in order to trade equity value points with the website of your choice.
Yours in Holiday Cheer,
Recipient#8382957
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Feline House Management 101A
DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room.
To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as ong as the human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.
This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering."
The following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes, for Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on.
When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of you ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
The reaction from this action, is equivalent to the feeling they've just "shot-gunned" 10 cups of coffee.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
PLAY:
This is an important part of your life.
Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.
Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play.
It is important though to maintain one's "dignity" at all times.
If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!"
It fools those humans every time.
CAT GAMES:
"Catch Mouse"
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands.
They are lying.
They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill"
This game must be played with at least one other cat.
One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s).
Anything goes.
This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
WARNING:
Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom.
Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again.
If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy.
If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy.
Run with it under the bed.
Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later.
HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box.
It is important to maintain one's "dignity" when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.
Humans need to know basic rules.
They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
You will then have a smooth-running household.
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable." replies the blonde.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
YOU KNOW YOU OVERDID THANKSGIVING WHEN:
* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.
* The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
* Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.
* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
* A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."
* That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
* You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.
* Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
David Letterman's countdown to knowing when you outdid yourself onThanksgiving:
10.Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9.Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8.You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7.Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6.You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5.World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3.Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2.Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1.You're sweatin' gravy.
REASONS TO BE PROUD YOU'RE GAY!
* We invented most of the things that make life worth living like art, music, literature and brunch.
* We're important politically. Democrats love us. Republicans fear us and the Reform Party is too busy just trying to control Jesse Ventura to have much of an opinion of us right now.
* Straight people look up to us to set styles. If it weren't for us they'd all still be wearing leisure suits(we had nothing to do with those) and seafoam-green dresses.
* We're an essential part of a healthy economy. (I personally am responsible for the phenomenal growth of at least two major clothing retailers.
* We're resourceful and optimistic. If life gives us a lemon, we don't just make lemonade; we make lemon daiquiris, a lemon chiffon pie and save the leftover peel for potpourri.
* We make great neighbors. You'll never find junked autos in our yards. (And on the off chance that you do, trust me, it will have been turned into a lovely, flower-filled planter.)
* We're artistic. Give us a glue gun, some sequins, and 30 minutes and we'll give you beauty.
* We're kind to straight people. Even the ones with really bad haircuts.
* We throw the best parties. Without us, parties would consist of nothing more than a can of Cheese Whiz and Tupperware.
* We're loyal and supportive of our musical icons long after they've passed their primes. Through our Diva-outreach program we keep giving work and meaning to the lives of many entertainers like Diana Ross and Liza Minnelli.
* Without us, there would be no sarcasm and people like Martha Stewart would go unpunished.
MARTHA STEWARTS HOLIDAY CALENDAR
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey, spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold christmas cards.
December 2
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 3
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
Decmeber 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eye glasses. Grind lenses myself.
Decmeber 6
Fax family Christmas letter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows 2000
December 8
Replace all 6000 sq.ft. of front yard with red pointsettas.
December 9
Have Gardener replace every third pointsetta with a white one.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for the curvature of the earth.
December 11
Lay Fabrege egg
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures.They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Decmeber 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Hoilday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir, refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toliet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for a white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Decmeber 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Psychological Christmas carols for your personal favorite personality disorder
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You = Why
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia,
All is Flat, All is Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
(.........better start again...)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK!
http://members.xoom.com/primall/mahir
"Welcome! I Kiss You!"
