12/10/99

NICE HORSE!
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The Kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the Penis underneath the horse, instead of on top."

FUN FACTS (C.C.F)
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* All polar bears are left handed.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they reach 2 to 6 years of age.
* Butterflies taste with their feet
* Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* Starfish haven't got brains.
* Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah's Ark (S.G.)
1.  Don't miss the boat.
2.  Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
3.  Plan ahead.  It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
4.  Stay fit.  When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something really big.
5.  Don't listen to critics - just get on with what has to be done.
6.  Build your future on higher ground.
7.  For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8.  Two heads are better than one.
9.  Speed isn't always an advantage; the snails were on board with the cheetahs.
10.  When you're stressed, float awhile.
11.  Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.
12.  Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside.  No matter the storm, when you're one with God, there's a rainbow waiting.

BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK (C.C.F)
11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspendedfrom a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.  Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.  As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.  Ifthat didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.  For anagonizing few moments no one volunteered.  Finally the brunette gave a trulyouching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of theothers.  The blondes applauded.

A BUTCH CHRISTMAS
Buying gifts for a Butch is not nearly as complicated as it is for a Fem Follow these rules and you should have no problems. (For the straight crowd - yes it works for men too :)

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy her a cordless drill. It does not matter if she already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and she has yet tocomplain.  As a butch, you can neve have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy her anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Butchs love saying those two words. "Hey Deb, can I borrow Your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"  Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy her anything for her car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from her rear view mirror.  Butches love gifts for their cars.  No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy Butches socks. Do not buy Butches ties. And never buy butches bathrobes. I was  told that if God had wanted Butches to wear bathrobes, she wouldn't have invented  T-shirts.

Rule #5: You can buy Butches a new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your Butch a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch her go wild as she flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a Butch any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real Butches drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any Butch industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy Butches  label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks.  Shorts. Cups. Saucers.  Door.  Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a Butch anything that says "some assembly required" on the box.  It will ruin her Special Day and she will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for Butches include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab ire.  (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent Butche's stores.  It doesn't matter if she doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need.   Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?  Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Butches enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue.  Get her a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane ank. Tell her the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a 49ers/Monarchs/ game are a smart gift.  However, she will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Butches love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a Butch you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when she gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real Butch a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.  No one knows why.

FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK (J.B.)
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1199/phone.html

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Is it because light travels faster than sound why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?