12/31/99

THE OFFICIAL FISHWRAP OF THE MILLENNIUM!

SPECIAL "TEOTWAWKI" END OF CIVILIZATION COLLECTORS EDITION!

PRINT THIS NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

You are receiving this ahead of schedule due to the fact that I have an 8 hour drive to my subterranean survival bunker (location undisclosed for security reasons) ahead of me and do not wish to waste any of my Honda (TM) Generator's fuel sending this out once I am there. Besides - I'm off work tomorrow and so are most of you!
Cheers - MJ

Is my Furby Y2K-compliant?
Tiger Electronics, Furby's manufacturer, cautions that some Furbies may turn feral at 12:01 on Jan. 1 and begin gorging on household pets and small children. Tiger stresses that there is no cause for alarm, but the company strongly recommends letting your Furby sleep through the New Year, preferably in a locked metal box buried at least 16 feet underground.

This and other pressing questions answered here:

http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/1999/12/27/y2k_faq/index.html

BLONDE JOKE OF THE CENTURY
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.

The blonde made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift.
 
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for along time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

THE NIGHT OF Y2K
T'was the week after Christmas and all through the house,
not one PC was working, not even the mouse.
I turned on the power but nothing was working,
I grab the computer and start banging and jerking.
I laid out three grand for this piece of junk?!
Now on January first the damn things gone kerplunk!
I turned on the TV, the cable is down
my microwave oven is making weird sounds.
My new VCR is as dead as a rock,
not one light is blinking, not even the clock.
It's twenty below, the peak of snow season
the furnace won't work, so pipes are all freezing.
I laughed for a second and thought it all funny
then I called up my bank in regards to my money
"We managed your pension and savings with care,
but for some odd reason your money's not there.
We'd thought we were ready, we thought we'd be heroes
but regret to inform you, your balance is zero!"
I drop the receiver, to the bathroom I rush
I push down the handle, the toilet won't flush.
I turned on the faucet, not one drop hits the sink
I head out the door to the pub for a drink.
I jump in the car, turn the key in the switch,
it only goes "click", I scream "son of a B*!@#$!"
A computerized ignition has sealed my fate
it's not set up to handle the "2000" date.
I twitch like a madman, this cannot be true
no car, heat or money, what on earth can I do?
So, shouting obscenities I run out of sight

Happy Y2K to all, it's been one hell of a night!

January 1, 2000

Re: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.  One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

Y2K HAIKU'S
Millennium parties with loud music, lights and joy; then, how dark, how cold!

Stupid programmer, think ahead next time, when the power comes back on.

Windows 98 is compliant with minor bugs, store food and water!

Hire more programmers for Y2k Bug now -- oops, too late, lights are out!

Y2k is just a scam for consultants--hey, riots, Martial law!

Y2K LOVE COTTAGE & SUPPLY DEPOT!
List Price: $2,241.75
Bedrooms: Yes.
Bathrooms: In Season.
Lot Size: Good
Heating: Lots of flammable objects
Defense Rating: Fair

Description:
Sometimes it is love at first sight. This is the emotion you'll experience when you visit this love cottage and matching Y2K supply depot area.

Warm and cozy! Charming and low-key! This gentle property has lots of space and air, particularly with the nicely placed holes in roof. In fact, this cottage defines the aesthetic sensibilities shared by Y2K survivalists everywhere! Yes, I know you'll be instantly attracted to the fine details of this heritage property.

But that's not all, no it isn't. Right outside this love-cottage you will find your own Y2K supply depot! That's right! Everything you could ever possibly want after the apocalypse is already sitting in your yard! Just think of the possibilities: with the collapse of the Fractional Reserve System, barter will rule the land. And you'll be the king of barter, having a veritable mine of useful trading objects already in your possession!

Curb appeal? This property oozes curb appeal, among other things. It is guaranteed to impress anyone. Combine that with the valuable depo and you've got a winner!

A cozy and inviting home with such added value isn't normally found! Get it now while you still can!

Property Photograph:  http://www.garysouth.com/house2.jpg

LESBIAN BARBIE COLLECTION!
Yes, there is far too much variety in the lesbian community to be represented by just one Barbie doll. We need a collection. Besides, where is Barbie going to get a date, if there isn't a collection?

1) Lesbian Barbie
The basic model, Barbie is 35, and wears her hair medium length, nothing fancy. Makeup looks natural, barely there. She wears jeans and a baggy t-shirt, and is vegetarian. Her tiny little rainbow and pink triangle stickers can be affixed to herself, her car, or you! Barbie is now realistically shaped, with a (proportionally smaller to fit the 11" doll) 34B bustline and 30" waist.

2) Dyke Barbie
A little more flamboyant, Dyke Barbie wears her hair in a pixie cut. She forgoes the bra, and her breasts hang a bit lower. Comes with the Dyke Barbie Jeep, decorated with rainbow, triangle and 'Chick Magnet' stickers. Wears absolutely NO makeup.

3) Butch Barbie and Femme Barbie
Sold as a set, because the other Lesbian Barbies aren't quite sure what to do with them. Butch Barbie sports a buzzcut (how many little girls have unintentionally created Butch Barbie?) and men's clothing. She comes with a mechanic's coverall (complete with oil stains) and a toolbox. Femme Barbie... well, Femme Barbie is regular Barbie, stuck in a box with Butch Barbie.

4) Older Lesbian Barbie
She has a head of short, dignified gray hair, well-earned wrinkles, and a full figure. Her clothing is comfortable. Still has her dreams of a Lesbian Nation, and avoids contact with morally inferior males. Comes with 70's feminist literature.

5) Babydyke Barbie
A teen, Babydyke Barbie is just coming out. Still dresses like most other teens, but has a smart-ass grin and real muscles. (As do the rest of the Lesbian Barbies, except for Femme Barbie.)

6) In the Closet Barbie
Looks like a regular, everyday straight woman (read: NOT like regular Barbie) but is undergoing 'personal searching.' Comes with What-the-Hell-Do-I-Do-Now Ken. Optional but recommended for In the Closet Barbie is Therapist Barbie, complete with couch. Divorce Lawyer Barbie may be required, but her purchase is strictly a personal choice.

7) BDSM Barbie
What Lesbian collection would be complete without her? Comes with whips, handcuffs, and lots of leather.

8) Gay Ken
No, he's not Lesbian, but every Lesbian needs a gay male buddy. Gay Ken looks remarkably like regular Ken.

9) Jock Barbie
Always has bottle of water at her side.  Comes with mountain bike and softball uniform.

10) Political activist Barbie
Knows where every meeting is every night of every "save the world" organization.  Complete with picket signs and leaflets.  Comes only in sets--at least one African-American, one Latina, one lesbian from the Asian-Pacific, one Native American lesbian, one European-American, one lesbian with a disability, one Gen-X lesbian, one AARP lesbian, one Lesbian of Size, and one Transgendered person, usually M2F who looks like a tall straight Barbie but always wears a neck scarf.

TOP 12 SIGNS YOU ARE BEING STALKED BY A FARM ANIMAL!
12.  Every morning at the bus stop, that same pig is reading the newspaper -- upside down!
11.  Whenever you cross the road, so does that damned chicken!
10.  That foul smell, and you're not with your beer drinking buddies.
9.  Heavy bleating on the other end of the phone.
8.  Silhouette of knife-wielding Holstein appears on your shower curtain.
7.  Everywhere you do, the bell!  the Bell!!  THE BELL!!!
6.  You find a knit cap and FOUR bloody gloves.
5.  You keep hearing , "Oink Oink," and there isn't a See'n'Say toy in sight.
4.  After an ugly break-up with Flopsy, you find Glenn Close floating in a pot on your stove.
3.  While baking custard pie, you step in cow pie.
2.  All 84 Caller ID entries read, "Babe."

and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked By A Farm Animal...
 
1.  Note on your doorstep says, "We'll see who's laughing at Thanksgiving this year, Ginsu Boy!"

QUESTION OF THE WEEK
If you are wearing street clothes, where are you most likely to find the initials YKK?

FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK:
Why bother?

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true