Things Your Mother Never Told You

Or

Getting Old. It sucks.

That's the working title of the book that my mother and the missus are writing. When they first proposed it, I thought they were nuts. But now that I'm pushing 40, I'm beginning see their point. In the past week alone I have suffered the following;

Acid Reflux
Sciatica
Bizarre allergic reaction resulting in full body hives
Trick Knees
Bladder Control "Issues"
Hearing and Memory Loss

According to my sources, it doesn't look like it gets any better from here. What pisses me off most is not the inevitable falling apart but that I am the youngest in my family and my wife is 7 years my senior [that's right, I said senior :P ]. They've been through all this. They know. And guess what? They ALL laugh at me... "Ha ha ha - just wait till you're [insert age here]!"

Thanks for the sympathy guys. Who's been there for you all these years? Who's listened to you bitch about your various ailments? Your ingrown toenails, your herniated discs, colonoscopies, your mysterious rashes and barnacles? ME! That's right. And now that it's my turn to bitch a little, all I get a whole lotta "Ho Ho Ho.... Isn't that cute? Cough snort wheeze snap crackle pop goddamnit honey get the Dones[tm]."

To make things worse, this past weekend a woman thought my brother was younger than me. He's 6 fucking years older. And to that I say, at least I still have all my hair and occasionally get carded at the liquor store... So there!