January 01, 2004
Sigh
Well there you have it. Another year gone.
MJ was a very well behaved party goer last night and awoke today without a hangover - where did I go wrong? ::scratches head::
In my very own New Years Day tradition, I am making a big fat pot o'chili today, planting my big fat pot o'ass on the couch and watching the Rose Bowl. As much as it pains me to do so, I will root for U of M because us Big 10 folks have to stick together. I'll have to take a shower to wash away that dirty feeling when it's all over - but I cannot in good conscience, support USC. Speaking of good conscience...
I wake this morning - dawn of a new year - with something weighing on my mind. A million bloggers have addressed this issue before, but I am interested to hear what you think. When I say you - I mean all of you; people I know, friends and family, blogging buddies, lurkers and you poor saps who googled "crest white strips problems" sorted through 76 pages of search results, and somehow ended up here. Yeah - you. If you are not comfortable posting a comment - send me an email, there's a link over there on the right.
My quandary? The old bloggers curse... when real life clashes with your blog. Yesterday I received an email from my cousin in which she requested I pull the posts about Christmas dinner at her house that referred to something that was said to her mom at the table.
Granted, I exercised an extreme lack of judgment when I wrote it, fueled by far too much alcohol and yes, I regret poking fun at my 84 year old aunt's expense. But it happened. It was funny. It's real. And last night, for the sake of preserving family harmony, I pulled them. And now I'm a tad resentful because I fear I've set a very bad precedent.
See, word got out a year or so ago about this here blog. There are several people within my close social circle (and a few out in the ether), good friends I've known for years and years, some members - perhaps ALL - of my family, who read this damn thing. Some people read it for the funny links. Some people read it to keep up with what's happening in my life, or what's been happening around town. Some people - jesus, I have no idea why you are here... Perhaps it was your foaming crest white strips, I don't know.
Over the last 2 years, I've started to write more and more about my so-called glamourous life, my foibles, my successes and my failures and that includes references to parties, people and events. Rarely is anything I write serious in tone. I never write anything mean spirited (trust me - I've had my opportunities...). No, what I write is usually funny and it's most certainly always true.
So here's the deal... It's my fucking blog and I'll write what I want. If you don't like what you read here - don't read it. If you don't want to risk the mere idea that I might write something about your party or your dinner or your new outfit or your mom - don't invite me. If you would prefer that I not mention you by name or that I use a pseudonym for you, if you want a little black bar, cops-esque blurring of your face, if you prefer that I exclude you from my photo albums entirely... by all means, I'm pretty accomodating... just ask me. I'll be happy to do so. But if you read something here and feel the need to pick up the phone and call so-and-so to tell them "My GOD - Did you see what MJ wrote about [blank] ?!?!" - don't do it. This is not a forum for fueling rumor mills or idle gossip. Friday Fishwrap is simply the dust bunnies of my brain. Love it or leave it - you came here by choice.
One thing I will heretofore refrain from talking about is work. If you are a client, know that I will not make reference to you, your company or the work I do for you (even if it means I would deprive you of the millions of hits I might send in your direction) because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I can't afford to be losing any work these days.
So what do you think? Where is the line and did I cross it? Am I doomed to a life as a social outcast? Will you ever invite me out again? Does anyone actually give a shit?
I guess I am going to have to write this up as a formal disclaimer and have everyone sign releases when I go to parties now.. sigh...
Mmm. Chili.
Posted by MJ at January 1, 2004 08:33 AMFriday Fishwrap: "Come for the Crest White Strips. Stay for the chili."
I think I'd like to be called "Jorge" on your blog from now on, please. Thanks.
You don't have to blur anything when you put up our naked Twister pics, though. *wink*
Posted by: Solonor at January 1, 2004 09:11 AMIt's your blog, you post what you want to. That's how I feel...if you don't like it, don't read it. I'm not posting to please everyone...I'm posting MY happenings and MY opinion. If someone wants to volunteer their opinion, leave comments, or get your own damn blog. :-)
Posted by: Derek at January 1, 2004 09:24 AMOkay, here's the thing you need to tell your family - while their anecdotes are funny and amusing (the whore thing made me spit soda - people always say that but I don't believe it happens as often as they claim. This time, the thought of someone calling that sweet-looking little lady a whore just gave me such a "WTF?!?" moment that I really did spew. Anyway.)...like I was saying, the family stuff is amusing, but that's not the stuff that sticks out in my mind when I read you. In short, the old fam-fam needs to get over themselves, because they're in *your* house now and it's about you.
My family got worked up over the nicknames I'd used for my sisters (Ditz, Hippy, Boob Job, Bitch and Crack Whore) but unless you know my family in real life you won't know who I'm talking about. And if you DO know my family in real life and I said, "My sister Andrea" you'd instantly go, "Oh, the one with the boob job." So what does it really matter?
Use the pseudonyms and the Cops-pixelated faces if you want to, but hell, talk about whatever you want to. The people who get pissy over it can just deal with it, because really - what does a blog matter in the vast scheme of things?
More to the point, why do they care what a bunch of strangers around the world think about them, anyway? Like I'm going to run across your cousin and be like, "Oy, MJ's cousin! You were the one who threw a shit-fit over the holiday posts! Come here and let me slap some sense into ya."
But at the same time, I remember a certain little blogger who put a black "censored" bar over a cartoon picture of her wife, so... :^)
Call it like you see it. Back when I spoke to my family when something potentially embarassing would happen someone would usually pipe up and say, "Don't put that on your page!" and sometimes I wouldn't and sometimes I'd change the story slightly enough so that it could fly. But if anyone asked me to take something down I'd tell them to kiss my ass.
I told my dad that I'd posted about the fighting with my mother and sisters and he was giving it, "Well, you need some support. Good for you." The next time I spoke to him he told me that my mom was throwing a fit over our "dirty laundry" being aired in "public" - to which his response to her was to stop being such a bitch if she didn't want people to know how she really was, type of thing.
Jaysus, why did I get so involved with this, knowing that there's information about Crest strips in this blog? Now I'm off to search your archives...
In short, don't sweat the petty things, but do pet the sweaty things. Because it can be a lot of fun, that's why.
Happy new year, sunshine!
Posted by: picklejuice at January 1, 2004 12:00 PMYour house, your rules. Do whatcha want.
Happy New Year!
Posted by: Murphy at January 1, 2004 12:12 PMI think I've been using your rules unwritten. Thanks for writing them down!
Posted by: Ron at January 1, 2004 01:07 PMWhat they ^^^ said. That little red (orange-ish?) 'x' in the upper right hand corner can be quite handy at times.
Happy New Year to you and the Missus!
Posted by: Deborah at January 1, 2004 01:09 PMI agree with the no work blogging. That's my #1 rule.
I've had friends request removal of their names for various reasons, and I have obliged, so now I only stick to first names and nicknames. Outside of that courtesy, my blog is my brain, journal, and forum.
When someone wants to start paying me mega bucks to advertise on my site, then and only then they can have an opinion about the content. And I agree -- if they have something to say about my thoughts, they can get their own blog.
About pics... tough call. I see it as a privacy thing. Some people are paranoid about their pic being posted online. Perhaps they're afraid they are going to end up in one of those embarassing emails of people in compromising positions that circulate all over the net. So, when I take pics at parties, I always say they are going on the site. And if someone doesn't want their pic up, that's cool... that's their right.
Well not to be a lemming or anything, but my opinion has already been stated in many different ways by comments listed above.
I think you are very accomodating to folks re: nicknames and black bars on pictures. And, I think Nat put it best, do they really think someone from Virginia/Yugoslavia/Laos is going to recognize them at the mall and shout, "HEATHEN!" ???
You don't write big personal stories about drinking problems, child abuse, sexual practices, etc... yours are for the humor quotient. If they can't laugh at themselves then maybe they should just click on the X as Deborah said.
In other words -- do what cha want and everything else that everyone already said.
Posted by: Mopsie at January 1, 2004 01:34 PMI think the line probably moves all over the place. I had the unfortunte experience of having my semi-sort of step cousins (my Grandfather was living with their Grandmother) finding the blog and reading posts where I slammed them and their entire family. In the end it actually worked out for the better (I was outted to everyone after my Grandfather passed away and now we all get along) so I tend to really not self-censor myself all that much.
But it's hard - the only thing I usually draw the line at work stuff - I tell the funny stores, but everyone (other than funny names I give them) is anonymous.
I'm glad I found your site - really enjoyed it.
Jeff
Posted by: Jeff at January 1, 2004 03:50 PMBefore you draw the line, imagine for a moment what your cousin put into *her* blog about you doing that. If you're comfortable with that right of reply, then proceed as above. For myself, I agree with you - but everyone sees it differently. If you put things in a public domain, they're in a public domain, and people are going to have an opinion on it. If you can't handle your cousin having an objection, then move to an anonymous blog.
Anyway, when this came up as an issue with my own blog (recently dumping-me ex reading my blog and finding herself bawled out bigtime), i directed my readers here, and found it useful for explaining how *I* felt about it. She eventually decided not to read anymore, and hurrah for that, I say. Good luck!
Oops, by 'here' I meant the blog disclaimer online here: http://midge.bloggage.com/readme/
Posted by: Vanessa, London, UK at January 1, 2004 04:03 PMmy daughter occasionally wrote things that the elders of our family found distasteful, so i suggested she rate each post as to content. a forewarning, if you will, that the reader may not care for that particular post. it seemed to work, and of course the rest of us could go straight to the smut, bypassing the fluff!
Posted by: murphy's mil at January 1, 2004 06:31 PMtricky, tricky my little mj! i've started running into that issue more and more as i find out that more and more people read my blog. what started out as a place for me to express all kinds of stuff has transformed into more of a "here's what i'm up to." that's what happens when you realize that clients, co-workers, relatives, acquaintances and all sorts of others have somehow discovered your site.
so here's my two cents:
first, it's true that this is "your house," so to speak, but it's also true that it exists in a public space. so, i think the rules are different than the "keep your nose out of my diary i can say what i want" rules that apply to a paper journal that one might write in.
on some level, it does suck to feel like you have to "censor" yourself, but it's no different than having to censor yourself in any other public arena. i guess the question is, would you have told the story in the same way if it was anywhere else but online?
i do think we need to be respectful of other people's feelings whom we may be identifying by name, or with a picture. it's sort of a golden rule kind of thing. a while back, a guy was linking to minnesota bloggers using first and last names. at the time, i was trying to keep that information somewhat private - i mean, there's really no such thing as anonymity online, but if someone had really wanted to know that information, they'd have to LOOK for it. and it bugged me that this guy did that work, then posted the information. i asked him politely to remove it, and he did. i really appreciated it, even though i'm sure he thought it was silly.
if someone expressed discomfort with how i had portrayed them on my site, i would first try to see if i could somehow alter how they were identified without affecting the integrity (ha!) of my post. if that wasn't possible, i'd just delete it. i mean, come on, fuck it. it's a frigging website, and in my mind should never be placed above another human being in importance. even if that other human being is a total fuckwad.
i guess for me, it's a karma thing. tread lightly, blog lightly, whatever...and the world will be a better place.
it is your right to express yourself, and you do so in a way that is engaging and entertaining. continue to do so, i say - but be respectful of other people's feelings and they'll do the same for you.
in closing, i would like to share a quote from Richard Scarry's Please and Thank You Book, "Good manners make a person nice to know."
i checked the book, but unfortunately there's no quotes about shitfaced blogging. ;)
Posted by: irish-girl at January 1, 2004 06:34 PMThis is THE issue of online life, isn't it? For my journal I have a pseudonym for everyone in my life and am careful about oversharing about their life as opposed to mine. Beyond that, my journal/blog is mine and I have not told my family and close friends about it. I do understand your trepidation, though, and honestly feel that this space is for you to tell your story and everyone who is upset by it should start their own blog and tell their story.
I found you months and months ago via a link and adore reading your blog. Hugs and love from NJ, and a happy new year! You are a rockin' babe. Good luck with the new house.
Posted by: essdee at January 1, 2004 06:50 PMI had to laugh at your crest white strips reference. When I came across your blog I was googling for something almost as mundane. My search led me to one blog which led to another which led to yours. As for THE issue at hand I say be brave and post what you want to! Protecting your job is one thing but trying to filter out everything that might offend or embarrass would be impossible. Not to mention boring for the rest of us!
Posted by: Christine at January 1, 2004 07:09 PMWow - between the emails and the comments shared here I've gotten a hell of a lot of feedback and I really appreciate it. Ya'all have given me a lot to think about.
I do agree with those of you who took the "my house" position. And I'll reiterate what I said in my post... I will continue to write what I feel is relevant or appropriate about events that happen in my life. If someone does not like what they read here, then don't read it. One of my concerns in deleting those posts was that it might appear to set a precedent i.e. I don't want folks to automatically assume that I'll delete something if they don't like it. Because I probably wont unless given a compelling reason. Photo's are another story and I'm going to have to take a look at how I deal with that.
Anyone who's been reading the Friday Fishwrap for any length of time, and those of you who know me in real life, know that while I may make smarmy sarcastic remarks here, it's not my style to intentionally hurt someone. But there is a fine line with regard to humor and hurting feelings. I have never posted anything here that I wouldn't say to someone's face. I don't gossip or talk out of school and I don't talk about peoples personal problems or issues.
Most things I talk about here that aren't wacky links (and I'm referring to my "In Other News" sections of some entries and the "Weekend Reports") are either about my home life or they took place in a semi-public forum with many witnesses, most of whom regularly read this blog. In fact, I think you all just use the Fishwrap to clear up the fuzzy parts of our adventures... "Oh yeah, that's what happened... right. I forgot about that" It's simply my humorous take on our outings.
I think it's great that so many people I know read this blog regularly. In fact, they usually make a point to mention to me that they read the Fishwrap - and that they LOVE the Fishwrap. Occasionally they'll even comment here. If anyone ever had a problem with anything I've written in the past, no one has ever brought it up with me, until this incident. The only down side is that sometimes I find we don't have much to talk about because they already know what happened. All too often I'll start to tell a story and I'll get "Oh, I already know - I read it this morning! That was funny!"
But again, in retrospect I did not exercise good judgment in posting on christmas night. Suffice to say that I'll be working on my "drink and post" issues. Perhaps I'll begin utilizing Movable Type's "draft" feature if I feel compelled to start typing after tippling. And lesson learned (actually an old lesson relearned) "Count to 10 before you send" - But I won't sanitize or censor. As someone pointed out in an email today - that would completely dilute the whole point of this blog and the Fishwrap wouldn't be the Fishwrap anymore. I agree. I will promise however to use better judgment in the future.
Thanks again for all of your feedback. You guys all rock! And bonus - I found out I have A LOT of lurkers - thanks for taking to the time to respond! Cheers and here's to a brand spankin' new year!
Oh yeah, and Jorge? I specifically requested that you not write about our naked twister party... damn you.
your place, your space.
Posted by: Elizabeth at January 1, 2004 09:49 PMI prefer that my friends and family say what they feel or think, without sugar coating it. That’s one of the things I love about you and the missus.
Your blog – the only blog I regularly read, reflects you – its why I come here.
Keith Meinhold
Posted by: Keith at January 2, 2004 06:58 AMFirst: Wow, Keith Meinhold drops by your blog? That's pretty f-ing cool.
Second: I entirely agree with the sentiment that it's your place to do with as you wish. Having said that I''ll admit that I do censor myself to a certain degree. I began to do so after a cousin discovered some posts I had written about an ugly chapter in my family's history. I took the posts down, and ended up determining that, for me, if I wouldn't say the stuff directly to the person (or if I haven't said it yet), it's probably not going to appear on my site. I guess while I think that I have ultimate control over my site, and that it reflects me, I also believe that some things are best left private.
Having said all that, in the case of this specific example, you were reporting on something that happened, not editorializing. I think there's a big difference. It was said, and while perhaps it shouldn't have been, I don't see the harm in writing about it. It's not as though your post said, "My cousin, Mabel Turpentine,called my aunt a whore. This can't be true, because I know that my aunt, Annabelle Spitandpolish, never does it for money."
That, my dear MJ, would be wrong.
Posted by: jadedju at January 2, 2004 03:55 PMMaybe people will be offended. Sure. Maybe feelings will be hurt. Yeah, the happens. So to MJ's family; myself as a daily reader merely find it amusing, and yes, it is at anothers' expense. If this helps any, MJ talks about tonnes of other stuff that do not involve family members, and she has the good sense to have a laugh at herself and her blunders once in a while.
If anything, MJ has done the reverse. She has exposed her own family to have her readers think to themselves about how lucky she is to have a family. Quirky and 'normal' as it may be. To have MJ, (whom I do not know in 'real time', as it goes) stiffle and edit her way whilts biting nails trying to make sure her blog pleases everyone, is not the sort of blog I care to read. Your relative is a bright, wickedly funny individual whose energy rubs off on others. Oh yeah, and a singer/songwriter. (good harmony, MJ).
So forgive her for being her. But let her be her.
Posted by: donna at January 4, 2004 12:33 PMBy the bye, Jill, your comment is too funny at the end. hahahahahahaha
Posted by: donna at January 4, 2004 12:36 PM
