Here's a tip...

Never let a drunk woman cut your hair - unless of course you want to look like a 12 year old mormon boy.

In all fairness to her, she did a pretty decent job - if this had actually been the cut I requested - which it isn't.

In all fairness to ME, I didn't realize she was drunk until about 5 minutes into the cut which is a pretty lousy time to get up and walk out of the salon.

See, my usual place was closed "due to flooding" which still confuses me. I was unaware of any precipitation of late, but then I guess a pipe could have burst or something. I love this place. The Hair Nazi, as I like to call him, requires you to arrive with freshly washed hair and no product. He inspects your scalp and either gives you the okay or throws you out and tells you to come back after you've showered.

If you are clean enough for a cut, be prepared for the 1/2 hour lecture on how to properly DRY your hair. "PAT, I've told you to PAT your hair. Don't RUB! It makes the base of the hair shaft curl thus causing blah blah blah" On and on about the rubbing... I usually tune out at this point... But the guy is good!

So anyway, the nazi being closed, I ended up at a place a friend had recommended (thanks John!)

I give this woman explicit instructions on how I want my hair cut, right down to the gauge of clipper on what part of my head.. "Like a Ceaser you mean?"

"No, like a hand taper, but I don't want to see scalp"

"A what?"

This should have been my first clue... But I thought I would just walk her through it.

After about 5 minutes in this lady's chair, I smell it. She totally reeks of booze! At 12:00 on a Thursday! Hello?! You think your boss can't smell that? Or where you two sharing a bottle? Not much I can do about it now, she's already begun clipping.

Every time I thought she had finished I'd say "Hey that looks great! Perfect!" and give a little scooch up in the chair... "Hang on I just want to blend this... "

10 minutes and another 1/4" later, her breath is starting to make me ill.

ME: "Hey that looks great! Perfect!"

Drunken Hair Whore: "Oooh, wait a sec, I need to clean this up a bit..."

5 minutes and another round with the clippers..

ME: "Okay then - wow that's looks great!" Scooch.

Drunken Hair Whore: "Hold on I just need to .. mumble mumble"

Need to what? Have another cocktail? Take hit off the pipe? What the hell is the matter with you lady?!? I start looking around for a manager or something but it looks like everyone else was out back passing the hootch.

Now I've had it. At this point I don't give a shit what it looks like I just need to get the hell out of here...

"No really, it's perfect! Listen, I'm late - If I want it any shorter, I'll come back later. How's that sound?"

Drunken Hair Whore: "What?!" (like she just realized I was there or something.."Oh, okay then! Let me just put some GEL in your hair"

I've not used gel in years. I'm definitely a nice soft hair wax kinda gal. But this chick.. She squirts out half a bottle, slams the bottle down and proceeds to spend another 5 minutes "styling" what is left of my hair.

What the hell was in that shit? Liquid titanium? By the time I got home you could cut glass with my head! I think I'm the one who needs a drink now...

UPDATE:
By request, and since fair's fair, here are 3 self portraits of the new do. Actually now that I look at it, I'm not that unhappy with it. It's pretty much what I usually get. I think it was all that gel and the fumes that had me spinning.