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or "a funny thing happened on the way to..."

We went on our 978th trip to Lowes yesterday, this time to purchase all of the appliances for the remodel project across the street. The Missus had picked everything out online, item numbers, model numbers, prices - the whole deal. Unfortunately, I think we ended up getting only one matching item from the list. Everything else changed once we were there.

Sometimes you have to really *see* the refrigerator to understand that it's too *short*. I honestly had no idea that they came in different heights. We ended up going for a rather tall, good looking, side by side with ice and water in the door.

This is the type of fridge I have lusted after for years. I don't know why. Somehow just the idea of being able to get ice without opening a door is like nirvana to me. Alas - while whoever buys the new house will be living a life of ease with instant ice and water, I'll just be here staring across the street with envy while continuing with the opening and closing and opening and closing of the freezer door... Sigh.

We ordered everything; front loading washer and dryer, dishwasher, gas range, and side by side fridge to the tune of $2,600.00. Ka-ching! Damn.

Turns out our 10% off coupon expired 10 days ago. Double damn!

So The Missus decides to opt for the zero payments, zero interest for 12 months deal they have going, but you have to have a Lowes Credit Card. She's filling out the application and we head up to customer service to get the credit approval. The Missus decides she needs to use the restroom and disappears for 5 minutes.

Aside: Now this is going to sound incredibly politically incorrect but where the hell does Lowes do its recruiting? Between the cross eyed appliance guy, the tottering old, deaf and seriously slow witted vendor guy and the customer service chick with only one hand, it felt like everyone who worked there was straight out of a Gary Larson cartoon. Like it was Big and Odd Parts Day at Lowes.

So anyway back to the story at hand (ba-dum-bum)... I'm standing there waiting while the lady runs the credit application. No problem. But then I get a "Hmm, uh, that's interesting" and a "Is this her correct drivers license number?" and finally an "I'll be right back, don't go anywhere." from the customer service chick. She comes back and is now on the phone reading off some "keycodes" or something from her terminal screen when The Missus returns and asks "Is there a problem?" I shrug "I think she's just running your social security info for credit approval, I don't know what's going on."

The Missus: "Uh... my social security number?"
Me: "Eh-up"
The Missus: "Oh. Well that's going to be a problem..."
Me: "Why?"
The Missus: "Because I made it up."
Me: "You WHAT?"
The Missus: "I made it up! They don't need to have that information and who knows where that piece of paper goes - anyone could get ahold of it!"
Me: "You do realize that they need your correct SSN in order to get credit approval."

The Missus: "Oh."

Customer Service Chick (now with puzzled look): "This isn't your correct SSN?"
The Missus: "No."
CSC (loudly): "Well that explains why I'm on the phone with the FRAUD Dept.!"

The Missus: "FRAUD?"
Me: "FRAUD?"
CSC: "FRAUD! - You lied about your SSN. You can't do that!"

It was like an episode of I Love Lucy... "FRAUD?"... "FRAUD?"... "FRAUD!"

"Oh, Loocy - you've got some 'splainin to do!"

At this point I half expected to see some wanna-be cop come out and handcuff us both. Thankfully, they let us pay for the goods with another card and just let us go without further embarrassment or humiliation.

And today between the convenient hours of 2-6PM we should have a butt load of new appliances arriving. Not that we can do anything with them. The floors aren't even in yet!

"Oh Loocy - You've got some layin' to do!"