This weeks Fish Wrap has a little something for everyone!
As always, if you would like to be removed from the mailing list - just drop me a line!
Have a great weekend all! - MJ
You Know You're Working in Corporate America When ....
* You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
* Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
* Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
* The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.
* When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
* You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
* You learn about the merger on CNN.
* Your biggest concern about a system crash is that you could lose your best jokes.
* Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
* Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
* You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
* It's dark when you drive to and from work.
* Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
* "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
* Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
* Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
* Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
* Art involves a white board.
* You're already late on the assignment you just got.
* You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
* Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
* Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
* Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
* Change is the norm.
* Nepotism is encouraged.
* You read this entire list and understood it.
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When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
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From the SF Files:
The new traffic cameras installed South of Market to catch red light runners recently nabbed a San Francisco driver. He received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a copy of the photo of his car - obviously running the red light. Thinking he was being clever, instead of payment, he sent the Dept. of Parking and Traffic a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the SFPD that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly paid the fine.
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Did you hear about the three blondes who were driving to Disneyland? After being in the car for hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
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Q: If three Dallas Cowboys are seen riding in a car, who's driving?
A: The sheriff's deputy.
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Quotable Quotes:
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't rememberwhat they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Presidential Canidate - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Fun Facts:
* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
* The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
* A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time; 1/100th of a second.
* The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
Happy Friday Everyone! This week's wrap is full of annoying things things to do when you're bored! (The Pizza Parlor Follow-up!)
As always - If you would like to be removed from this list, just drop me a line!
Cheers- MJ
Creative Ways to Have Extra-Special Fun at Walmart
* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, "I need some tampons."
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
* Put M&M's on layaway.
* Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Ask other customers if they have any Gray Poupon.
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
* Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
* In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me! Pick me!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Even more....
WAYS TO BE ANNOYING IN THE FAST FOOD DRIVE THRU
* Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
* Drive through backwards.
* After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
* Walk through.
* Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
* Repeat everything the order-taker says.
* Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
* In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
* When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
* Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
* Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
* If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
* Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
From the "I cant make this stuff up" Files....
Pop star Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his likeness again". When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion".
MORE CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
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A snail gets mugged by a turtle. The police come out and say "what'd the guy look like?" Snail says, "I don't know, it all happened so fast..."
FOUR FUNNIES FOR FRIDAY!
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP IF YOU GET PULLED OVER:
* I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
* Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
* Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
* Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me. Good Job!
* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
* I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
* You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
* Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
* Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
* I pay your salary!
* So, uh, you on the take, or what?
* Gee Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
* I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car
around--that's how far ahead of me they are
* What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
* Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
* Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY....
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
"Duct tape won't fix that."
"Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
"We don't keep firearms in this house."
"You can't feed that to the dog."
"I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
"Who's Richard Petty?"
"Deer heads detract from the decor."
"The tires on that truck are too big."
"I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
"I've got it all on a floppy disk."
"Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
"Checkmate."
"She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
"I don't have a favorite college team."
"Elvis who?
A TOUCHING MOMENT
Two men are golfing one summer day. As one is about to step up on the 18th green and attempt a putt, they notice a funeral procession drive by on the nearby road. The golfer steps back from his putt, removes his hat, and bows his head to show respect for the deceased. After the procession has passed, he replaces his cap and sinks his putt. His playing partner is impressed by this show of respect, and makes a note to mention it.
Afterwards, as the golfers relax in the clubhouse with a drink while they total the day's scores, the second golfer mentions the events on the 18th hole. "You know, Fred, that was a very decent thing you did, showing respect like that. I was touched."
Fred simply shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, it was the least I could do.... After all, I was married to her for nearly 40 years."
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Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Damn!
_______________________
Cheers and Happy Friday all!
MJ
30, OR SO, FUN THINGS TO DO WHEN ORDERING A PIZZA
(ed. note: you should thank me, originally there were 99 things)
+ If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to please stop doing that.
+ Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it.
+ Use CB lingo where applicable.
+ Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
+ Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
+ Answer their questions with questions.
+ Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, PUCE.
+ Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
+ Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
+ Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
+ Stutter on the letter "p."
+ Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
+ Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
+ Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
+ Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
+ Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
+ Ask to see a menu.
+ Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
+ Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
+ Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
+ Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
+ If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
+ Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . .action!"
+ Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
+ Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
+ When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
+ Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
+ Make the first topping you order 'extra mushrooms'. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
+ When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
+ When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
+ Haggle.
+ When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
+ Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
+ Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
+ If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
If you would like to be removed from this mailing list, just drop me a line!
Cheers - MJ
--Practice Random Acts of Intelligence and Senseless Acts of Self Control
BONUS FOR MAKING IT TO THE END!
A salesman calls this house, and the 3 year old son answers the phone.
The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your mother?"
The boy whispers in a very low voice, "She's busy."
The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your daddy?"
The kid whispers again, in a very low voice, "He's busy too."
The salesman then asks, "Is there anyone else there?"
The tot replies in the same quiet voice, "A policeman."
The salesman inquires, "Can I talk to the policeman?"
The boy repeats again, in a low whisper, "He's busy too."
The salesman again questions him and asks, "Is there anyone else there?"
The kid comes back in a whisper, "A fireman."
The salesman then wants to know if he can talk to the fireman.
And once again the tot whispers, "He's busy too."
By now the salesman is really wondering what is going on.
He asks the boy, "What are they all doing?"
The little rug-rat replies, still in a very low whisper...
"Looking for me."