A Brief Announcement:
Stasha asked me to please let everyone know that she can NO LONGER be reached at her former email (congats on the new job by the way!!) When she gets set up at Schwab she'll send out the new address.
Have a great Friday and GO SPARTANS!
All together now! You know the words! "On the banks of the Red Cedar Is a school that's known to all... (complete lyrics can be found at the end of this mail )
** If you would like to be removed from the Friday List: just drop me a line!
MARTHA STEWART: A REDNECK GUIDE FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially whendriving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
FUN FACTS
* On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
* Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
* Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
* Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Hearts -Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM PHILADEPHIA WHEN...
20. You realize that your favorite desert is wooder ice. (It comes in churry, strawburry, and other assawrded flaverz.) 19. You find yourself using "Yo" and "Youse guys" when talking long distance to family members.
18. You know how to spell Schuylkill.
17. You think $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain.
16. You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "I wonder if they have cheese steaks?"
15. You can sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulance sirens.
14. You visit New York and are impressed by how clean it is.
13. You believe the car on your left, flashing its turn signal and the driver pointing at your lane, wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you.
12. You can't eat french fries without Cheeze Whiz.
11. Street people greet you by your first name.
10. You don't think Wawa sounds funny.
9. You snub a cheese steak that isn't on an Amoroso roll.
8. Your parents, brother, sisters, aunts, and uncles all live on the same block.
7. You know who Jim O'Brien is, and how he died.
6. You can imagine breakfast without scrapple.
5. You're still not sure about Jerry Penacolli.
4. A vacation at the Jersey shore (pronounced "the shoore") is better then going to an island. (There's more stuff to do, plus you know everybody.)
3. You know where to find the Rocky statue.
2. You know only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's, and Jim's for authentic cheese steaks. You only go if you're drunk and it is 3:00 AM.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PHILLY:
1. You buy a soft pretzel at a traffic light, without wondering where the guy goes to wash his hands. And you don't really care.
TOO CUTE: THE WEDDING
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd he would put his hands up like claws and roar...So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
QUOTABLE QUOTES:
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law"
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
--Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
--Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY FIGHT SONG!
On the banks of the Red Cedar
Is a school that's known to all
It's specialty is winning
And those Spartans play good ball
Spartan teams are never beaten
All through the game they fight
Fight for the only colors
Green and White
Go right thru for MSU
Watch the points keep growing
Spartan teams are bound to win
They're fighting with a vim
Rah, Rah, Rah!
See their team is weakening
We're going to win this game
Fight! Fight! Rah! Team, fight!
Victory for MSU!
This week is an odd collection of true stories, fun facts and the occational chuckle!
Have a great weekend all :)
Cheers- MJ
Actual letters from actual tenants.
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
* I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
* This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
* The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
* I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
* The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
* Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
* Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
* When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK:
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are walking in the middle of the desert. The redhead had a portable minifan, the brunette had a wet towel, and the blonde had a car door.
The three women continue to walk, and they soon come across a handsome man. He spots the women and first walks up to the redhead. 'Why do you have a fan?' he asked. The redhead replied, 'Whenever I get hot, I turn it on.'
Then the man walks up to the brunette. 'Why do you have a wet towel?' he asked. The brunette replied, 'Whenever I get hot, I use the towel to wipe the sweat off of me.'
Then the man walks up to the blonde. The man gives the blonde a confused look. 'What are you doing with a car door?!?' he asked. The blonde replied, 'Whenever I get hot, I roll down the window.'
TRUE STORIES:
AMERICA vs. CANADA
An American ship was out in the ocean when thecaptain noticed something on the radar that was directly in their path. He got on the radio an said "I honorably request that you alter your course 15 degrees north to avoid an accident."
The blip on the radar, a Canadian answered back "no, I request that you change your course 15 degrees north to prevent an accident." At this the American captain became quite angry, so he got on the radio and said, "I am the captain of a US Navy ship, I respectfully demand that you alter your course."
The Canadian answered back "No, I think you should alter you course." At this point the captain couldn't stand it, so he got on the radio and said, "This is the captain of the USS Enterprise, we are the largest ship in the US Navy, I demand that you change your course NOW!"
At this the Canadian calmly got on the radio and said, "We are a small Canadian lighthouse, your call."
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP??
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
FUN FACTS:
* Coca-Cola was originally green.
* Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
* The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
*********************
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Below find a random sampling of this weeks funnies... Use only as directed. Rinse and repeat as needed.
As always- if you want off the list, just let me know!
Cheers- MJ
A list of actual English subtitles used in Hong Kong films:
* "I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. "
* "Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. "
* "Gun wounds, again? "
* "Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. "
* "A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. "
* "Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! "
* "Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. "
* "Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? "
* "Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. "
* "You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken."
* "I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! "
* "You daring lousy guy. "
* "Beat him out of recognizable shape! "
* "I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! "
* "Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. "
* "The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? "
* "This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. "
* "Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently for a thorough extermination. "
* "Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person."
The 7 Rules for Driving in the Big City:
1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
5) Always look both ways when running a red light.
6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. It only serves as a warning to other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
More Buzz Words for 99
* Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
* Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
* Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
* Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
* Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
* Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
* Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Monica Interview is a prime example.
* Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. See also Decruitment.
For my friends from the Great Lakes State....
"You know you're from Michigan if..."
1. You define summer as 3 months of bad sledding
2. You consider a thunderstorm a free drive thru car wash
3. You can identify an ohio accent.
4. Your mosquito repellent doubles as your aftershave.
5. Owning a Japanesse car was a hanging offense in your hometown.
6. You drive 86 on the highway and pass on the right.
7. You believe down south is toledo.
8. You bake with soda and drink pop.
9. You know not only does kalamazoo exists, but it isn't far from hell
10. The big mac is something you drive across
George Carlin Classics:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walked off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Quotable Quotes:
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry
Airline Humor:
"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
And of course... The Blonde Joke of the Week!
A beatiful blonde driving a Mercedes convertible through the country saw another blonde trying to row a boat across a huge wheat field. Irritated, she pulled her car to the side of the road and walked to the fence. She then yelled to the blonde in the boat "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name. If I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass."