Top 10 Toys that never really made it
* Tickle Me Monica
* Andy the Attica Prison Bitch
* The Butt Weasel
* My First Enema
* Elky the Vibrating Knife
* Binge-N-Purge Barbie
* The Michael J. Fox Shake-About
* Speak-and-Spell: Ethnic Slurs
* Mad Jack Kevorkian's "Goodnight Grandpa" Home Game
* Horny Horny Hippos
PUZZLED BLONDE
A blonde called her boyfriend and said "I bought this jigsaw puzzle of a rooster, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
The boyfriend goes over to her house and she shows him the puzzle on the kitchen table. When he saw it, he said "Dammit Sarah, put the cornflakes back in the box!!!!"
Signs Your Parents Really Do Hate You
* Your pediatrician is Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
* Bath toys consist primarily of household appliances and cutlery.
* Hey, it wasn't SANTA putting coal in your stocking all these years.
* Refuse to lie for you before a Federal Grand Jury.
* Rarely unchained, even on birthdays.
* All Christmas gifts purchased with tokens.
* Constantly refer to you as "the Asschild."
* They won't talk to the Boulder police department without conditions.
* "Special treat" at birthday party ended up being a pinata filled with razor blades.
* Instead of spanking you, they just wave a gun around.
* Often refer to you as "daddy's little Trojan popper."
* Takes your rectal temperature with that big round one off the front porch.
FEELING LUCKY?
A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"
The blonde then replied, "Because I want to stay up here with you!"
HOW NOT TO GET THE JOB
A 1996 survey of personnel directors of the nation's top corporations revealed that some people have no clue how to behave when they are trying to get a job. Any wonder why THESE losers didn't get the job?
* Challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle
* Claimed he had never finished high school because he had been kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico
* Wore headphones to the interview and, when asked to remove them, replied "Oh, that's okay, I can listen to the you and music at the same time.
* Said she didn't have time for lunch and began to eat a cheeseburger and fries in the interviewer's office.
* Fell and broke his arm during an interview.
* Interrupted the interview to phone his therapist for advice on answering one of the questions.
* Asked the question, "Would it be a problem if I am angry most of the time?".
FUN FACTS
* The only food that cockroaches will not eat is cucumbers.
* Unless you have a doctor's note, it's illegal to buy ice cream after 6 PM in Newark, New Jersey.
* Coors used its slogan, "Turn it loose," in Madrid where it translated as "Suffer from diarrhea."
* 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE
A man and a wife were late for their son's wedding reception so they were clipping along on the expressway when they both hear a siren and see flashing lights behind them.
Officer: Sir, I am going to have to ticket you for speeding. I clocked you at 80 when you were only supposed to be doing 55.
Man: Officer we had to get to a wedding and we're late as it is.
Woman: Harry, we have at least an hour before we have to be there. (The husband gives her a dirty look)
Officer: I also have to give you a citation for a broken tail light.
Man: Oh officer that just happened because my wife didn't put the car in the garage straight last night.
Woman: Harry, the light was broken a month ago. You said no one would notice. (another dirty look)
Officer: I see that your registration is expired.
Man: Oh I didn't notice.
Wife: Harry, you said a day or two wouldn't hurt.
This time he turned to his wife and said "CAN'T YOU SHUT-UP??"
Officer: Ma'am is that the way he always talks to you??
Woman: No sir, only when he's drunk!
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What goes: Vrooom Screeech Vrooom Screeeech?
A blonde at a flashing red light
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Why did the redneck blonde drown in the back of the pickup?
Because she couldn't get the tailgate down.
______________________
Todays subliminal message is
" "
FishWrap Site of the Week!
www.altoids.com
BA DA BOOM - BA DA BING
Useful Sayings (some are repeats)
* I miss my ex.. But my aim is getting better
* I'm not totally useless.. I can still be used as a bad example
* I'm so miserable without you.. It's almost like having you here
* I live with misery everyday.. but sometimes she lets me ride
* Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
* Back off! You're standing in my aura.
* Adults are just kids who owe money.
* Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
* Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
* You look like shit. Is that the style now?
* I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
* I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
* A woman's favorite position is CEO.
* Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
* Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it
* Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
* Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
* All stressed out and no one to choke.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
* The Halloween pumpkin on the front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table - in front of her kids.
* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
* You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
* You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
* You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
* The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
* You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
* Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
* Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"
The Joys of being a Man - From a Woman's Perspective
* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* Your orgasms are real. Always.
* Your last name stays put.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Foreplay is optional.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* Same work ... more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
* Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
Rejected Names for Space Station Mir
* The AMC Spacer
* Uncle Boris's Last Chance Galactic Truck Stop & Fireworks Stand
* I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Space-Station
* Skylab for Dummies
* Emergency Vodka Storage Unit #6
* Absolut NightMir
* The New, Improved People's Deathtrap 2000 ("Now with leaks!")
* Space Toast Coast-to-Coast
* The S.S. Minnowsky
* Kaputnik
* Spacey Spice
* The Amazing Orbiting Barge O' Death
* Deepshit Nine
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2 blondes walked into a building... You'd think one of them would've seen it...
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THE BLONDE CARPENTERS
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it! But if it's pointed toward me then I throw it away."
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
*************
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ... Men will screw anything.
REJECTED STATE MOTTOS
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes"
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: Ya Wanna #$%#ing Motto? I Got Yer #$%#ing Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are one of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun Stat
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming: Wynot?
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Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
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Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's
* You try to enter your ATM PIN on the microwave.
* You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
* You e-mail your wife/husband/child in the other room to tell them that dinner is ready, and they email you back "What's for dinner?"
* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date ... and now sells for half the price you paid.
* The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
* You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
_______________________________
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Thanks to this weeks contributors: Jo Anne, Michelle and Siouxan
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
ONLY IN AMERICA
* can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
* are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink
* do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
* do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke
* do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters
* do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage
* do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place
* do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
* do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well, "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
* do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
THE KIDNAPPING
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
THE EXCUSE
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student's immediate family.
A smart mouthed student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter. After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said,
"Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead go to the Doctor The Brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top." The Redhead says, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom." The Blonde starts crying and sobs, "Oh God, I'm going to have puppies."
THE DIAGNOSIS
A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well, it's like this, Doc," he said. "When I drive to work in the morning, through the country lanes, I start to sing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' If I see a cat, then it's, 'What's New, Pussy Cat?" It's so embarrassing even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah,' and my wife was not amused!" The doctor said, "It would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones Syndrome." "Well, I've never heard of that. Is it common?" asked the man. "It's Not Unusual," the doctor replied.
CAN WE GET A LITTLE PRIVACY HERE??
The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he went home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the level of privacy this offered, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his wife. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes tightly shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm.. uh.. checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
BLONDE REVENGE
A blonde was tired of hearing blonde jokes and decided to prove people wrong. She spent weeks studying a map of the United States, memorizing all the capitals for all the states. The next time someone started telling a blonde joke she said, "Hey, not all blondes are stupid. I can prove it. Give me the name of any state and I'll tell you it's capital." "Vermont," someone suggested. The blonde responded, "V."
BLOW JOB (L.B.)
After the May 3rd tornado, many Oklahoma City residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor. Many home owners have spray-painted their homes or put up signs claiming: "For Sale: Fixer Upper" or "OPEN HOUSE." However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before President Clinton's visit, put a sign in his yard saying: "HEY BILL, HOW'S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?" Unfortunately, the Secret Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage
FUN FACTS (J.F.)
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
SUPERMARKET TRAGEDY
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got into the vehicle, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
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A rabbi and a duck walk into a bar. The bartenders says "What is this? Some kind of joke?!"
Thanks to this weeks contributors: Lois and Jennie!
Okay, so I am on the road and have now arrived at my final destination. I have to somehow found an access number (rural Cheboygan County is not known for their high speed connections) - forgive the delay in publishing (and thanks for all the reminders - like I would *forget* to send this out!!)
Also - I am sending this out on the equivalent of a stone tablet - so please forgive any formatting errors!!
cheers all - have a great weekend!! - MJ
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Q: Did you here about the blonde Coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.
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SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE FLAT BROKE
* You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
* You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
* Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
* You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
* Your bologna has no first name.
* You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
* McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
BLONDE JOKE 1
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
BLONDE JOKE 2
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
BLONDE JOKE 3
A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The blonde then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies, "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!"
QUOTABLE QUOTES
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple Black
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
Doug Lars
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you.
Tommy Smothers
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz
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Q: What does the blonde's post card from vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
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REMINDER: ALWAYS REMEMBER THOSE WHO SERVE
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.
SHAKEN OR STIRRED?
Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to call the electrician and one to make cocktails!
IT JUST MIGHT WORK!
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
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Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
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YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF...
(ed. note - As a yankee, I don't really see the problem here...)
* You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside"
* You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
* You don't know what a moon pie is.
* You have never, ever eaten okra
* You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork
* You have never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips
* You have no idea what a polecat is.
* You think "Coke" refers to one specific brand of soft drink.
* You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags
* You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
* You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
* You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
* For breakfast, you would prefer a bagel to grits.
* You don't have any hats in your closet in your closet that advertise feed stores.
* The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
* You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, John Bob, Bob Bob)
* You've never been to a craft show.
* You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
* You can't do your laundry without quarters.
* Not one of your fur coats is homemade.
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Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the Pop-Tart out of the toaster in one piece.
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That's it! No sig line - I'm on vacation!
THE TOP 10 THINGS WE WANT TO HEAR SAMUEL L. JACKSON SAY IN THE STAR WARS PREQUEL
(pardon the language)
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.
6. Feel the Force, Motherfucker.
5. "What" ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on "What"?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to fuck him like one?
1. Hand me my lightsaber...it's the one that says, "Bad Motherfucker.
MAKES SENSE TO ME!
The following is from this month's Forbes Magazine: (?)
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be!
MOTIVATION
In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read--"Thoap!"
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
GOODNIGHT MR. GORSKY
You know when Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon, he said "One small step for man etc, etc " and also,heard by some, he said " good night Mr. Gorsky". The reporters kept trying to get Neil to tell them who Mr Gorsky was and Neil just kept ignoring them. They checked out the Russian officials and no one had that name. Finally, recently there was an anniversary dinner- 26 yrs after the fact and a reporter asked Neil if he would tell them who Mr. Gorsky was. Neil said," Yes, Mr. Gorsky was my neighbor and is dead now. When I was a little boy I was was sitting on my porch and I heard Mr. Gorsky's wife say, "Sex, you want sex, well not until the neighbor boy walks on the moon"
THE NERVOUS PRIEST
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replies,"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the vodka, don;t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
DEEP KID THOUGHTS
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to Imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
-- Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
-- Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
-- Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
-- Age 10
Home is where the house is.
-- Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
-- Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
-- Age 15
People used to think the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
-- Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him.
-- Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
-- Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
-- Age 11
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them I don't want it anymore because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
-- Age 14
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
-- Age 15
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with.
-- Age 6
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
-- Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
-- Age 15
TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I have barbecued them, and I have tried every sort of marinade, I just can't seem to get them tender!" The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend in the river. They have brown cloaks with a rope around the waist, and they're sort of bald on top, with a funny ring of hair on their heads!"
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder . . those are Friars!!"
_________________________
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra