YOU KNOW IT'S HOT OUTSIDE WHEN...
* Your car is overheating before you start it.
* Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it.
* Airplanes can't land because the asphalt is too soft.
* It really only takes two fingers to drive your car.
* The ducks in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy"
* The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
* Pigs complain about sweating like humans
* People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
* A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
* You need a spatula to remove your clothing
* You really wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
* It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.
* You burn your hand opening the car door.
* The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Footnote: Some years ago, cattle barons got a contract to ship a herd of cows to Japan. They rigged stalls in a 747; loaded the cows on and gave each a shot of tranquilizer to keep them calm during the flight. As the cows fell asleep, they revved up the engines to taxi out to the runway. The plane couldn't move. The heat and the weight of the herd had caused it to sink into the asphalt. The cost of keeping that plane air-conditioned until the cows woke up and could be unloaded ate up the profit on the contract.
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=
whats black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes
FUN THINGS TO DO WHILE DRIVING
* Have a friend ride in the back seat. Bound and Gagged.
* Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
* Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the roof.
* Two words: Chicken suit.
* Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
* Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
* Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
* Eat food that requires silverware.
* At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
* Honk frequently without motivation.
* Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
* At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Let pedestrians know who's boss.
* Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
* Restart your car at every stop light.
* Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rearview mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
* Keep at least five cats in the car.
* Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
* If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
* Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
* Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
* Stop and collect roadkill.
* Stop and pray for roadkill.
* Sing without having the radio on.
* Throw cans of Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
* Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oops! Wrong state!"
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
TOP 10: WHILE THE BOSS IS ON VACATION
10. The battle begins for the coveted "Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris" Triple Crown.
9. Use boss' computer to send suggestive emails to the local chapter of NOW.
8. Visit local nude beach for daily *staff* meeting.
7. A rousing game of "Pin the Secretary's Tail on the Boss' Desk."
6. Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.
5. Take pictures of his favorite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for resignation day.
4. Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let's Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!
3. Best "imitation of the boss" wins everything in the supply room contest.
2. "Performance reviews" given by a whimsical painted face on the shipping clerk's bare butt.
1. Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of executive office furniture.
EX-BACHELOR ORIENTATION:
EXTRA CREDIT (M.J.B.)
1. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
2. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
3. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
4. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
5. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
6. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
7. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth and Ten" Means
8. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
MY RESIGNATION (M.M.)
I am hereby tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and overly excited by the little things again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So here are my checkbook and car-keys, my credit card bills and 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you care to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, because:
"Tag! You're it."
DAILY AFFIRMATIONS (M.J.B.)
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
* My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
* I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
* As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
* All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
* I am at one with my duality.
* I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
* I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
* Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step~blaming my parents.
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
* My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
* I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
HOUSEHOLD HINTS
(last weeks received such great feedback - I thought I would include more!)
* Brush back of wrist watch with clear nail polish to prevent a rash.
* Scotch Guard neck ties when they're new to prevent stains.
* Musty smelling books: Put the book in a brown paper bag with baking soda and let sit for approximately one week.
* To keep shower doors shiny and clear, use a soft cloth moistened with baby oil. It prevents scum build-up from dirt and soap. And hard water spots won't appear for several months
* 7 WAYS TO REMOVE WATER OR HEAT MARKS ON WOOD SURFACES
- Polish with pure lemon oil. Find a brand called o'cedar, we were told it's the best brand.
- Use Wright's silver polish, diluted slightly; apply gently, let stand and wipe dry.
- Use spirits of camphor.
- Mix cigar and or cigarette ashes with a couple of drops of water and make a paste. Rub lightly on the mark to remove.
- Try a paste of baking soda and water and use as above in number 4.
- Try as above using toothpaste.
- Again as above using mayonnaise.
* GENERAL SHELF LIVES FOR COMMON ITEMS (From The Food Marketing Institute In Washington DC)
1.) Flour unopened: up to 12 months. Opened: 6-8 months.
2.) Whole Wheat Flour unopened: 1 month. Opened: 6-8 months if refrigerated.
3.) Sugar unopened: 2 years. Sugars do not spoil but eventually may change flavor.
4.) Brown sugar unopened: 4 months.
5.) Confectioners sugar unopened: 18 months.
6.) Solid shortening unopened: 8 months. Opened: 3 months.
7.) Cocoa unopened: indefinitely. Opened: 1 year.
8.) Whole spices: 2-4 years. Whether or not opened.
9.) Ground spices: 2-3 years. Whether or not opened.
10.) Paprika, red pepper and chili powder: 2 years when kept in refrigerator.
11.) High acid canned items such as fruit juice, tomato soup and things in vinegar unopened: 12-18 months.
12.) Baking soda unopened: 18 months. Opened: 6 `months.
13.) Baking powder unopened: 6 months. Opened: 3 months.
14.) Cornstarch: 18 months. Whether or not opened.
15.) Dry pasta made without eggs unopened: 2 years. Opened: 1 year.
16.) Dry egg noodles unopened: 2 years. Opened: 1-2 months.
17.) Salad dressing unopened: 10-12 months. Opened: 3 months if refrigerated.
18.) Low acid canned items such as soup, meats, gravy and vegetables unopened: 2-5 years.
19.) Honey: 1 year. Weather or not opened.
20.) Worcestershire sauce: 1 year. Weather or not opened.
21.) Ground, canned coffee unopened: 2 years. Opened: 2 weeks, if refrigerated.
22.) Instant coffee in jars or tins unopened: 12 months. Opened: 3 months.
23.) Bottled water unopened: 1-2 years. Opened: 3 months.
24.) Pudding mixes unopened: 1 year. Opened: 4 months.
25.) Jams, jellies and preserves unopened: 1 year. Opened: 6 months if refrigerated.
26.) Peanut butter unopened: 6-9 months. Opened: 2-3 months.
* Mug Stains: To clean coffee/tea stains from a mug, just rub the inside with salt.
* Itch Reliever: Rub a thin slice of salted raw potato on hives or insect bites.
* Emergency Shoe Shine: For a spur-of-the-moment job, rub your leather shoes with the inside of a banana peel; then clean and buff with a paper towel or napkin.
* Onion Tears: A partly burned match, burnt end out - or crust of bread between teeth, prevents tears. Or holding hands under running water periodically should help.
* Put a ripped bay leaf into the flour bag to keep the bugs out.
SITE OF THE WEEK
IN-N-OUT
BONUS SITE OF THE WEEK: (J.K)
I didn't believe it either, but you can actually take a picture of yourself through your monitor.
Check it out...
WEB CAM!
________________________
We waste time, so you don't have to!
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK (M.J.B)
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
RABBI MINSKI
A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men's Room.
It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?" "Yes." "You come from Sudbury?" "Yes." "Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?" "Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?" The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!"
TITANIC STORY
There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo
THE PLAN (Lois)
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the faces of the Workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by it's strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how shit happens.
****************************
(M.M.)
Q: How can you tell if a Butch is planning for the future?
A: She buys 2 cases of beer
UH, NO.
Librarians were asked to submit the most ridiculous questions they were ever asked:
"Do you have the words to 'Silent Night' in Hawaiian?"
"Off the top of your head, could you tell me what is currently happening to our chimpanzee population?"
"Is the Mafia currently accepting applications for employment, and do you have their address and phone number?"
"Can you tell me the year Israel started having people?"
"Would you connect me with your Reproductive Services?"
"Please spell the sound an elephant makes."
"Will I float in the air during an eclipse?"
"Could I be connected to your Obsolete Fiction section?"
"What is the latitude and longitude of Baltimore Federal Savings and Loan on the corner of Fayette and St. Paul?"
"What's the proper way to address a dead man?"
"How deep is half a hole?"
"I have chipmonks in my washing machine; what can I do about this?"
"Have scientists been able to produce human life?"
"What is the favorite food of Alaska?"
"I'd like to request a book."
"Is it fiction or non-fiction?"
"Oh, it's neither."
"What sound does a shark make?"
"Is New Zealand in the U.S.? If not, then where is it?"
"How many Munchkins make up a Lollipop Guild?"
"Is it true that the words 'Give us your scum' are engraved on the Statue of Liberty?"
Book requests: "Color Me Purple"
"Old Man and the Sea" by William Shakespeare
"How to Kill a Mockingbird"
"A Tall Tale of Two Cities"
"Do chickens have knuckles?"
"You mean, on their feet?"
"On either their hands or feet."
"Pratt Library Telephone Reference."
"Yes, ma'am. You don't have no big sheets of art paper, do you?"
"No, this is the library."
"But don't ya got no big sheets of art paper?""
"How loud is a pigeon?"
"What do rabbits do for fun?"
"To whom do I write at the University of Maryland to prevent flea infestation?"
"What is the capital of Africa? We are having trouble locating it on the map."
"Do they grow marshmallows on farms?"
"What was the alcohol content of wine in Jesus' time?"
"What library has J.F.K.'s brain in a jar?"
"I'm looking for a picture of an old-time monkey grinder."
"On what day of the week will Easter Sunday be in 1987?"
"Do you have any information on ancient radios of the past?"
"What is a woman called who has very long hair, almost down to the floor?"
"Is St. Patrick Italian?"
"What was the first tree and how long did it live?"
"Do birds fornicate?"
"When are people celebrating the Fourth of July this year?"
"Do you have a list of philanderers?" (Patron wanted philanthropists.)
"Is Seoul in North or South Carolina?"
"I need the names of all the people nicknamed 'The Human Fly.'"
"Can you tell me what 'Neanderthal' means?"
"In what context did you see the word?"
"My sister wouldn't go out with a Neanderthal like you."
"Who was the first Black to die in the Boston Masquerade?"
"Can you tell me the difference between Disneyland and Disneyworld? It always confuses the HELL out of me."
"Was author Margaret Mitchell menstruating when she was run over by a taxi?""
"Where do I go in Baltimore to meet thousands of women?"
"I think I have gold and diamonds in my back yard. Do you have any books on mining?"
"What state rules Yellowstone National Park?"
The Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support
10.) "So...what are you wearing?"
9.) "Duuuuude! Bummer!"
8.) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7.) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6.) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5.) "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4.) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3.) "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2.) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
1.) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
REASONS ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK
* It's an incentive to show up.
* It reduces stress.
* It leads to more honest communications.
* It reduces complaints about low pay.
* Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
* It encourages carpooling.
* Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
* It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
* It makes fellow employees look better.
* It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
* Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
* Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
* Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
* Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
* Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
* Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
* Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
* The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
* Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
* Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
HELPFUL HINTS
* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
* Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle perfect shaped pancakes every time.
* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
* To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
* Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.
* To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
* To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top. Skillet will be much easier to clean now.
* Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces-no more stains.
* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead-no white mess on the outside of the cake.
* If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato-it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator-it will keep for weeks.
* Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful, glossy finish.
* Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up.
* When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.
* To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh-if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
* Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
* Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
* If you have problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
* Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
* To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area - instant relief.
* Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march- see for yourself.
* Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
* When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
* NOW Look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:
1)Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
2) Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
3) Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
4) Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka- Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
5)Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
****************************
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK! (K.K.)
Suckcess!
__________________________
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear!
Happy Birthday Mom!
Top Ten Rejected Segments on 'Martha Stewart Living'
10) Water rings on fine furniture: household mishap or alien communication?
9) Recycling bathroom tissue
8) Using raffia: joint or bong
7) Making a country fresh homemade bomb
6) Calculation of correct oven temperature for children who try to eat my gingerbread house
5) Exposes' of people who have been involved in litigation with me (Note to self--Call Connie Chung, maybe can still get it on 48 HOURS)
4) Shari Lewis shows how to make sock puppet to blame flatulence on
3) Disposal of dead bodies: heads up or down?
2) Willow or birch: which is better for switching date on the bum?
1) Double Indemnity: It's A Good Thing
BE HAPPY
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You`re really doing great, aren`t you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, `Get a hot mamma and be cheerful`."
The Doctor said, "I didn`t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
All Purpose Excuse Form
All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!
Dear
a) Mom
b) Dad
c) love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail,
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Me.
FUN FACTS
The word BOOKKEEPER is the only word in the English language with 3 back-to-back double letter combinations.
The custom of serving a slice of lemon with fish dates back to the Middle Ages. It was believed that if a person accidentally swallowed a fish bone, the lemon juice would dissolve it.
Don't Make a Nurse Angry
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
HOT OFF THE PRESS
On a sad note in the news today, veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Ex-Bachelor Orientation: The First Year Syllabus
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
12. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
13. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
14. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
15. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
16. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
17. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
18. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
19. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
20. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
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During the "rush hour" at Chicago's O'Hare Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should deplane at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we`ve caught you, we`re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There`s blood gushing out all over, it`s horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, asshole!"
Fishwrap Site of the week!
http://snapcity.com
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Why can't we just spell it orderves?
Polite Ways To Say "He's not all there"
Diagnosable.
Doesn't have all his cups in the cupboard.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
Doin' 30 on the freeway.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Dumber than a bag full of hammers.
Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express (From "Barney Miller")
Got too many birds on his antenna.
Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
Half a quart low.
Head whistles in a crosswind.
He left the store without his groceries.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His family tree doesn't fork.
His little red choo choo done jumped the track.
His skylight leaks a little.
The Little Football Fan (M.M.)
A sports reporter for the Sun-Times is walking through Grant Park when he notices two boys playing football. Out of nowhere, a pit bull attacks one of the boys and begins mauling him. The other boy, having no choice, finds a large branch and clubs the dog over the head with it, killing the dog. The shocked reporter rushes over to the two boys, and after finding out they were all right, offers to write a story about the heroic little boy. Since the reporter was a sports reporter, he decided to give his headline a sports slant:
"Young Chicago Bears Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal"
The little boy looks at the headline and says, "Sorry mister, but I'm not a Bears fan. The reporter stops writing and says, "Oh, well since you were playing football and we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were a Bears fan". And so the reporter begins a new headline:
"Little Minnesota Vikings Fan Fends Off Mad Dog Attack"
The little boy looks at the headline and shakes his head. "I'm not a Vikings fan either, mister" says the boy. The reporter erases his headline again and says, "Gee, I thought every kid in the Midwest was either a Bears or Vikings fan. To save time, why don't you just tell me what team you do root for."
The little boy smiles and says, "I'm a Green Bay Packers fan."
The reporter nods and begins his final headline:
"Little Cheesehead Bastard Murders Beloved Family Pet"
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Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow?
She can't touch it until she's 14.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
A good ol' boy raises livestock. A redneck gets emotionally involved.
How do you know when you are staying in a Georgia hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
He has tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia, it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Georgia?
"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
There was a blonde that thought she was really smart, so she dyed her hair brown. To prove that she was smart, on her way home she stopped at a pasture, and said to the shepard, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The man says, "Sure, why not." So the blonde says to the shepard, "You have 62 sheep in this field. "Yes," says the shepard, "Go ahead and pick one out." The woman picks one out and puts it in her car. Just as she is about to pull away she hears a knock on her window. The shepard says to the woman, "If I can tell you what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?"
Best Country Songs Of All Time
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
* I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
* Mama Get A Hammer, There's A Fly On Papa's Head.
* My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink , And I Don't Love You Anymore
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I sure Do Miss Him
* She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
* If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
* She's Acting Single And I'm Drinkin' Doubles
A Helping Hand From Above
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now - we run like Hell!"
THE CATS DIARY ... continued...
(multiple submissions... is there a whole book fo this stuff?!?)
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "wine." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
THE MORNING SONG ... FOR NON-MORNING PEOPLE (M.J.B.)
- by Robert Quayle
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head.
QUOTABLE QUOTES (S.W.)
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
FUN FACTS:
* Polar bears are left handed.
* The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that's the equivelant of a human jumping the length of a football field.
* A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? (L.W.)
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
BLONDE JOKE #2
Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the blonde eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers!"
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Site of the week! (C.S.)
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Studios/9195/mullets2.html
Come on... you remember the "mullet" - lesbian hair cut #347?
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Thanks to this weeks contributors: Caryl, Leah, Mary Jo, Michelle, and Stasha