LAST WEEKS RIDDLE WINNER!
Elizabet!
arm
leg
lip
hip
toe
eye
ear
gum
jaw
Bonus: rib
Other's submitted but not included above:
pit
zit (not really a body part!)
tit
ass
Others with correct or clever answers:
Lori S.
Michael S.
Cyndi -
Caryl -
Mary Jo -
and a special mention for Don who cleverly came up with: One could also consider:
foot
knee
ball
since they use only three letters, however some letters are repeated.
THIS WEEKS RIDDLE:
The maker doesnt' want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it... what is it?
BLONDE LOTTERY
Once there was this blonde woman named Sally. She lost her job, was evicted from her house and was flat broke. She decided to pray to God. "Dear God, I'm not doing very good with money these days and I can'tland a job. Will you please let me win the lottery? Amen"
So the next day she checks the news, but she didn't win. So she asked God again. "God, I asked you the other day to let me win the lottery, but I didn't win. I pray to you - please let me win tonight! Amen"
The next day - again she doesn't win. She asks god "I've prayed to you twice before, but I still didn't win. Please, help me. Amen"
Then God says to her, "Sally, you've got to meet me half way here. At least buy a Ticket!"
NOT ALL DUMB BLONDES ARE WOMEN!
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You jerk!" shouts the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
HOW TO ANNOY YOUR NEIGHBORS:
1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants..
3.) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e.: chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing hysterically.
5.) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."
7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
8.) Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body.
9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)
10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.
QUOTABLE QUOTES
"The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
- Nancy Astor
FUN FACTS:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Who knew that pigs even HAD orgasms?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (And yet, there's that pig thing ...)
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home.. What the...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs"
CIA TEST:
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job.
The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!". "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.""No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door.
Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the freaking chair!"
CHILDRENS BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
(some are repeats folks)
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Youngest Sibling"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Yogi Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have that You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK!
http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/
http://www.wtfman.com/mcd/dick2.htm
LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:
Michael S. was the first with the correct answer to the riddle: the letter m
Honorable mention - in the order they were received:
Dana
Cornelius
Joel
Cyndi
THIS WEEKS RIDDLE:
There are 9 body parts that are spelled with only 3 letters. Can you name all 9?
BLOND JOKE OF THE WEEK:
A blond decides to do something wild that she's never done before, so she rents her first adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blond: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Blond: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'
QUOTE OF THE WEEK"
"Buying stock is exactly the same thing as going to a casino, only with no cocktail service."
- Ted Allen
TRAY TABLES UP PLEASE: (G.M.)
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced, "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.
A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply.
Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well, in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
GM STRIKES BACK: (C.C.F.)
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9 Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
CITY GIRLS
You know you're a SF party girl when...
* You still don't know what you're doing for New Year's Eve 1999.
* You have dated someone who used to date your roommate's best friend's sister's cousin, or your roommate.
* You know that red is the "new black".
* The only consideration when buying your cell phone was the weekend minute plan.
* You regard "Brigitte Jones' Dairy" as gospel & the author, a literary genius.
* Your haircut costs more than a small car.
* You need to blend two lip-pencils, plus a lipstick & a gloss, just to get your shade.
* You have a contraband tube of Retin-A from Mexico somewhere in your home.
* About married friends... on the weekends you ask "What in the heck were they thinking?" on weeknights you think "I bet she's getting a foot massage right now."
* You've won bingo at Ace Wasabi.
* You own a very special pair of Jackie-O hangover sunglasses.
* The only time you ever cook a full meal is to impress a date.
* You feel that $25 is a bit "pricey" for a mani/pedi combo.
* You didn't think of "Swingers" as a hip, funny movie. To you it was a social documentary on the mysterious behaviors of single men. You took notes.
* You regard e-mail as a flirting device with editing capabilities.
* You have 18 pairs of black shoes, not including the ones in your strappy sandal collection.
* You know the difference between midnight black, jet black, off-black, gray black, and black black.
* Your bumper sticker reads "I stop for BeBe."
* You have no Full Fat items in your refrigerator. Except wine, because they don't make Cakebread Lite.
* You've attended the Polk Street Fair, the North Beach Fair, and the Union Street Fair, but have never bought a craft. (There were crafts there?)
* You own a Jetta, Saab 900, or RAV-4. It's about a year old, but it only has 12 miles on it because you take Muni to work & cab it on the weekends.
* The 12 miles on your car are from going to Trader Joes that one time for Tuna Jerky, Toblerone, and wine.
* You place the invention of self-tanner on the level of the wheel.
* You only feel like going to the gym on "thin days" (logic?).
* You have given your phone number to a guy, he's called, you made a date, and you have absolutely no recollection of what he looks like.
* You've used the "It's not you, it's me" line at least once in the last year.
* You've danced on the bar at Mars Cafe.
* You've pulled an item from your laundry (you know the one- the one that makes you look good under any circumstances), sprayed a little perfume on it, waved it around, and declared "It's not so bad."
* You've gone to a restaurant with a friend, ate the complimentary bread, split a salad, each had a bottle of wine and called it dinner.
* You have a knee-jerk, lightening fast reflex, to close personal e-mail when your boss walks by. (ooops is that them?)
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK!
http://bitterwaitress.com
Due to the following letter received, I regret to inform my audience that you must sign a liablity release in order to remain on the mailing list:
Dear Friday FishWrap
I have to officially file a complaint. Last week, I ended up getting a splinter, and for the first time ever, was delighted that I got it since it gave me a chance to test out the "tip" posted on the Fishwrap site. (Note: The splinter was not deliberate!)
Much to the shock and horror of all present, I foolishly attempted to remove it in the middle of a prospective client meeting. After about a role of tape, as well as some frantic improvisations like banging the tape on my finger, creating pins out of the tape ala Martha Stewart, and even rubbing my finger against some rough wood to make sure that it wasn't just a bad angle, I was embarrassed to the extent that I burst into tears and ran out of the room. Needless to say, we never won the account.
Who do I list on the lawsuit?
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were frozen to death in their car at a drive in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the winter"
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Ok, There was Hercules,Snow White, and Quasimodo. Hercules wanted to know if He was the strongest, Snow White if she was the prettiest, and Quasimodo if he was the uglest. Then Hercules said "The Gods will tell us in our sleep." So they went to sleep. The next next day they woke up and they said:
Hercules: "I am the stongest!" Snow White:"I am the prettiest!" Quasimodo:" Who's Linda Tripp?"
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE!
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=
RIDDLE OF THE WEEK!
What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in an hour?
First right answer will be posted in next weeks Wrap!
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=
Did you here about the pregnent blonde?
She hoped it wasn't her's.
QUOTABLE QUOTES
"Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and socially dead."
" A lie gets halfway arond the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on!"
-Sir Winston Churchill
"The diffrence between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
- Tom Clancy
LAWYER FODDER
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
WHO REALLY WEARS THE PANTS?
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants." "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."
The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try them on. "No way. I can't get into your pants." "That's right. And that's the way it will be until you change your attitude."
QUICKIES
Q. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association.
Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.
Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.
AMISH AT THE MALL (M.M.)
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life! I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls pened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother"
NEVER ASSUME (J.B.)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... very big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then ...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare me," she prayed.
More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to,we'll push the button."
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor.I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?
She didn't know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room- a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed,
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
SITE OF THE WEEK!
http://www.jimnabors.com/intro.html
_________________________
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.