LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:
the poor have it
the rich need it
its greater than god
worse than the devil
and if you eat it you'll die
Answer: Nothing
Correct responses:
Joanne
Jennie
Andrew
Honorable Mention: Steve with this answer: Shit.
THIS WEEKS RIDDLE:
What do you eat the inside and throw away the outside, and eat the outside and throw away the inside?
MS. SMITH
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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Did you hear about the Blonde that got lost in her thoughts? It was unfamiliar territory.
HOW TO WRITE GOOD
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. The adverb always follows the verb.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing ! carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a blonde woman mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Look," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "Oh, I know," answered the blonde, concentrating furiously. "I already got THAT side."
Introducing White Trash Barbie!
She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-they're better'n-you Barbies! Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend.
Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with: * Two packs of Marlboro Reds for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
* A six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
* Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals. (Hot pants, blue jean cut-offs, or crotchless panties may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.)
* Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back and she's knocked up . . . again!
* Action bitch pull string! Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' you god damn kids to git the hell outa my yard!" "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my fuckin' cigarettes?", and more.
Also available:
* Barbie Double-wide Dream Trailer.
* Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set.
* Barbie's wormy cat Rufus also included.
* Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset (sold seperately)
* Barbie Dream Car. 1986 Chevy Chevette in mix-n'-match colors, smokin' chokin' exhaust and real plywood floor-boards Coat hanger radio antenna. (smoke non-toxic unless breathed)
* Abusive boyfriend Kenny with Asskickn' leg action and PimpSlap backhand. Comes with cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle. Curses, mumbles when string is pulled. African-American version available. (except Mississippi)
* Married Life Kenny with sweat-stained wife-beater tank and Beer-bustin' expanding waist. Molded to recliner. Comes with TV remote, beer, chips. Say's "Shut-up woman." "Git me a beer.", and "Where's my chicken Pot Pie, bitch?" (Waist cannot be reduced once expanded)
A FEW MORE PHOBIAS
* Vestiphobia - Fear of clothing
* Tonitrophobia- Fear of thunder
* Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting
* Nephophobia- Fear of clouds
* Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge
QUOTEABLE QUOTES
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
- Aristotle Onassis (1906 - 1975)
TRIVIA: (For our film buffs)
In Britain, the first instance of a demand for film censorship came from an outraged cheese industry in 1898. Charles Urban had released one of his scientific films taken through a microscope which revealed the unappealing bacterial activity in a piece of Stilton.
EXCUSE NOTES:
* Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
* Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
* Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
* Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
* John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
* Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
* Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
* My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
* My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
* Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
* Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
* Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
* Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
* George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
* Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
* Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
* Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
* Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
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Q: Did you hear about the guy who put the condom on backwards?
A: He went.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED
* I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
* I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
* I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.
* I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
* I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
* I've learned- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.
* I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.
* I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.
* I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so.
* I've learned- that no matter how good a guy is, he'll eventually revert.
* I've learned- that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.
* I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
* I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes. * I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK
http://www.cranial.com/hertes.html
http://realbeer.com/
_______________________
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:
It turns metal into dust, it flies, and it kills everyone...what is it?
Answer: TIME
Correct responses in the order received:
Elizabeth!
Joanne
Cathrine Z
Michelle
Andrew
Stasha
Joels gets an honorable mention with this answer:
Pre-1985 DC-10s?
THIS WEEKS RIDDLE (another easy one)
the poor have it
the rich need it
its greater than god
worse than the devil
and if you eat it you'll die
SIGNS YOUR CAT IS OVERWEIGHT
* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
* Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
* Always lands on her spleen.
* Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
* Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
* No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
* Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
* It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
* He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
* Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
* Has more chins than lives.
TRAVEL TIP:
Next time you fly internationally, don't bring along extra sugar. And definitely don't bring it along in large, duct-taped plastic bags.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A Highway Patrolman notices a car swerving all over the road, and turns on lights and sirens and pulls it over. The blonde behind the wheel is in tears.
"Oh, Officer, it's terrible! I went to the grocery store and the car wash, and was headed home when a tree appeared in the middle of the road! I swerved left to avoid it, and suddenly there was ANOTHER tree right in the middle of the road! I swerved to the right to avoid it, and there was ANOTHER tree right in the middle of the road! I've been dodging trees for the last five miles, and I'm at the end of my rope!" "Um, ma'am", replied the trooper, "..... that's your air freshener"
NEW OUTPATIENT PROCEDURE
Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique, and the prevailing opinion that newer breast implant material has been determined to be safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.
They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."
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Only 105 weapons-stockpiling days until Y2K!
BLONDE JOKE # 2
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..." Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..." ...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
THAT DAMN PARROT
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
LITTLE JOHNNY
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My Grandpa taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers Little Johnny.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your Grandpa did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says Little Johnny.
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Q What goes clippityclop.clippityclop.bang.bang.clippityclop.clippityclop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a dishonest politician and a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
THE HIGH PRICE OF GASOLINE:
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So an article in "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light.
What if you were to buy a gallon of....
* Diet Snapple 16 oz. for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
* Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
* Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
* Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
* Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
* Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
* STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
* Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
* Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
* Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
* Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor.
"Make me one with everything"
QUOTABLE QUOTES
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
- Franck Dubosc
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
- Emo Philips
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Tim Steeves
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
- Rich Jeni
"Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
- John Barrymore
FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK
Following last weeks lead:
http://www.wickedwitchproject.com/
Bud's Travels
http://members.aol.com/touristbud
________________________________
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard on duty.
LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:
If you drop this from the tallest building it will not be destroyed, but if you drop it in the ocean it will.
What is it?
Answer: A piece of paper
No one got the answer I was looking for but there were some good ones!
ice cubes
a bar of soap
a tin can
a snowflake
"ing"
A bucket of water
A feather
Cheers to:
Elizabeth M.
Jim W.
Michael S.
Andrew K.
Christopher D.
THIS WEEKS RIDDLE
It turns metal into dust, it flies, and it kills everyone...what is it?
IF THE APOSTLES HAD BEEN GAY
* The Last Supper would have been brunch....
* Instead of "Blessed be . . . ," the beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they . . . ."
* Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem would have been a production number with lots of ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey.
* The water at the wedding feast of Canna would not have been changed to wine, but to extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
* The temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just redecorated.
* Mary's hair would have been flawless.
* The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Lance and Bruce.
* Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys.....wait, never mind.
* Jesus would never wear white after labor day.
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
A mother was making pancakes for her two children, Kevin 5 years old and Larry 3 years old. The boys were at the table waiting for their pancakes and fighting about who would get the first one. Their mother saw this as a good time to teach them a lesson so she turned to them and said, "If Jesus were here he would say you go ahead and take the first one." Kevin looked at his little brother Larry and said, "Okay, you be Jesus."
PIERRE, THE FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT!
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out or a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower.
"Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, French the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
THE SWEDISH SISTERS
Two Swedish sisters go to a photographer to get their picture taken. Being blonde, they question each other on what the photographer is doing. When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks.....
"Vots he goink to do?"
Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!"
The second cries," Bot of us at de same time!?!"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made from plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"
THE PROOF
A senior citizen finally decided to go to the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet, the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was promptly signed up for his benefits. Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK!
A Blonde was on an airplane headed to Los Angeles. The flight attendant was checking tickets in First Class when she informed the blonde "Your ticket is for coach class ma'am, I'll have to ask you to move to your assigned seat." The blonde replied "I am blonde, beautiful and I'm going to L.A. First Class!"
The flight attendant asked the lead flight attendant to assist in moving the blonde. Again the blonde replied "I am blonde, beautiful and I'm going to L.A. First Class!"
Finally they asked the captain to come and help. He whispered something to the blonde and she went running back to coach. Amazed, they asked the captain what he had said. "Simple" he replied, "I told her that First Class was going to New York, not Los Angeles"
BE KIND TO STRANGERS
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
THINGS TO DO AT THE MOVIE THEATER
* Inform the entire theatre that you have to go to the bathroom. Wait a minute or so and tell everyone that you feel better now.
* Applaud
* Sing along with the backround music.
* Yell "Hey, down in front!" even if you are stting in the front.
* Make shadow pupputs.
* Read the credits out loud.
* Stand by the screen and sign the movie.
* Walk in front of the screen, fall, and lay there for a few minutes. Then get up and go back to your seat as if nothing happened. Do it again every ten minutes.
* Repeat the lines with the movie, in the language of your choice.
* Bring a portable T.V. Watch the ball game. Cheer loudly.
* Throw paper airplanes. Anounce their take off like air traffic control personnel.
* Break into a chrous of "Green Acres" during climatic parts of the movie.
FUN FACTS
According to the Anxiety Disorders Association, one in 11 people suffer from some kind of phobia at some time in their lives. Psychologists know little about the origin of phobias. Women are more prone to phobias than men.
Sophophobia is a fear of learning.
Gephyrophobia is a fear of bridges or crossing them.
Cyberophobia is a fear of computers or working on them.
Gerascophobia is a fear of growing old.
Ergophobia is a fear of work.
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK
http://www.blairkitsch.com/
"When three trendspotters get lost in the Hamptons woods, terror knows no social status! "
___________________________
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
LAST WEEKS RIDDLE: STUMPER!! Noone got it!
The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it... what is it?
Answer: A Coffin
I'll go easier on you this week...
THIS WEEKS RIDDLE:
If you drop this from the tallest building it will not be destroyed, but if you drop it in the ocean it will.
What is it?
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK:
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
SIGNS YOUR POOL NEEDS CLEANING:
* That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.
* Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
* Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
* New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
* Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.
* You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.
* You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.
TOP REJECTED SHAKESPEARE TITLES
* Christopher Marlowe Can Kiss My Elizabethan Ass
* Henry VIII, I Am, I Am
* Fast Times at Verona High
* A Midsummer Night's Nocturnal Emission
* Om'let
* Love's Fing'r Pulled
* Romeo & Steve
* Twelfth Night, Children Stay Free
* Henry VIII was a Big Fat Idiot
* Six Degrees of Francis Bacon
* Stratford-upon-Avon 90210
* Hamlet II - Where the hell is everybody?
* Romeo & Michelle's High School Reunion
* King Gump
* Booty Calleth
TOP 10 REASONS YOU WERE FIRED FROM TOYS R US:
10: A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
9: Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
8: You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
7: Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
6: You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
5: Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
4: The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
3: Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
2: Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
1: Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
LABOR DAY WEEKEND:
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were preparing the backyard for their party. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
PICTURE THIS:
Three men came up to Peter at the pearly gates. Peter told them that in order for them to gain admittance they would have to tell him how they died. The first guy's story was that he was homeless and one day while in an alley looking in dumpsters a refridgerator came out of nowhere and crushed him. Odd as it sounded Peter allowed him in.
The second guy's story was that he had come home a few hours early one day to surprise his wife. When he got there he saw evidence of another man having been there, so he immediatley rushed in expecting to find his wife in the act. When he busted in he saw his wife half naked but no other guy. Knowing that something was up he searched the apartment and found the kitchen door cracked open. Figuring that the man ran down the fire escape he became so filled with rage that he pushed the refridgerator out the door and off the balcony. The adrenaline rush was to uch for his body and he fell over due to a heart attack. Putting the stories together Peter laughed to himself and allowed the man entrance.
"What's your story?" Peter asked the third man.
He replied "Picture this, I'm sitting naked in a refridgerator....."
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Q:What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
THE TIPSTER
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes, How may I help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"Thank you for the tip. We'll investigate this matter"
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, interogate Tom for 2 hours and leave. That night the phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come by today?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
LETTER TO GOD:
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly. His mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for weeks, but nothing turned up. He then decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.00. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank you letter to God. The letter he wrote was as follows:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington, D.C.. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.
THIS WEEK IN HISTORY
Featured Date: September 1st
1810 - The first plow with interchangeable parts was patented by John J. Wood.
1830 - Sarah J. Hale published her nursery rhyme, 'Mary had a little lamb'.
1858 - The East India Company's government of India ended with the British crown taking over its territories and duties.
1878 - Emma Nutt became the first woman telephone operator when she went to work for Edwin Holmes and his Telephone Dispatch Company in Boston, Massachusetts.
1951 - Britain's first supermarket opened in Earl's Court, London.
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK:
Ed. note: Apparently NONE of the helpful hints that went out a few weeks ago were very helpful. What with the lawsuit threat over the splinter and the various e-mails akin to "I tried the %$#@* alka-seltzer thing and IT DIDN'T WORK! " I have decided to send you to a professional:
http://www.mrclean.com
(and I don't want to hear anything about your Mr. Clean fantasies. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!)
____________________________
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
LAST WEEKS RIDDLE: STUMPER!! Noone got it!
The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it... what is it?
Answer: A Coffin
I'll go easier on you this week...
THIS WEEKS RIDDLE:
If you drop this from the tallest building it will not be destroyed, but if you drop it in the ocean it will.
What is it?
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK:
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
SIGNS YOUR POOL NEEDS CLEANING:
* That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.
* Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
* Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
* New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
* Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.
* You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.
* You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.
TOP REJECTED SHAKESPEARE TITLES
* Christopher Marlowe Can Kiss My Elizabethan Ass
* Henry VIII, I Am, I Am
* Fast Times at Verona High
* A Midsummer Night's Nocturnal Emission
* Om'let
* Love's Fing'r Pulled
* Romeo & Steve
* Twelfth Night, Children Stay Free
* Henry VIII was a Big Fat Idiot
* Six Degrees of Francis Bacon
* Stratford-upon-Avon 90210
* Hamlet II - Where the hell is everybody?
* Romeo & Michelle's High School Reunion
* King Gump
* Booty Calleth
TOP 10 REASONS YOU WERE FIRED FROM TOYS R US:
10: A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
9: Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
8: You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
7: Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
6: You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
5: Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
4: The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
3: Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
2: Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
1: Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
LABOR DAY WEEKEND:
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were preparing the backyard for their party. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
PICTURE THIS:
Three men came up to Peter at the pearly gates. Peter told them that in order for them to gain admittance they would have to tell him how they died. The first guy's story was that he was homeless and one day while in an alley looking in dumpsters a refridgerator came out of nowhere and crushed him. Odd as it sounded Peter allowed him in.
The second guy's story was that he had come home a few hours early one day to surprise his wife. When he got there he saw evidence of another man having been there, so he immediatley rushed in expecting to find his wife in the act. When he busted in he saw his wife half naked but no other guy. Knowing that something was up he searched the apartment and found the kitchen door cracked open. Figuring that the man ran down the fire escape he became so filled with rage that he pushed the refridgerator out the door and off the balcony. The adrenaline rush was to uch for his body and he fell over due to a heart attack. Putting the stories together Peter laughed to himself and allowed the man entrance.
"What's your story?" Peter asked the third man.
He replied "Picture this, I'm sitting naked in a refridgerator....."
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Q:What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
THE TIPSTER
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes, How may I help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"Thank you for the tip. We'll investigate this matter"
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, interogate Tom for 2 hours and leave. That night the phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come by today?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
LETTER TO GOD:
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly. His mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for weeks, but nothing turned up. He then decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.00. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank you letter to God. The letter he wrote was as follows:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington, D.C.. As usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.
THIS WEEK IN HISTORY
Featured Date: September 1st
1810 - The first plow with interchangeable parts was patented by John J. Wood.
1830 - Sarah J. Hale published her nursery rhyme, 'Mary had a little lamb'.
1858 - The East India Company's government of India ended with the British crown taking over its territories and duties.
1878 - Emma Nutt became the first woman telephone operator when she went to work for Edwin Holmes and his Telephone Dispatch Company in Boston, Massachusetts.
1951 - Britain's first supermarket opened in Earl's Court, London.
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK:
Ed. note: Apparently NONE of the helpful hints that went out a few weeks ago were very helpful. What with the lawsuit threat over the splinter and the various e-mails akin to "I tried the %$#@* alka-seltzer thing and IT DIDN'T WORK! " I have decided to send you to a professional:
http://www.mrclean.com
(and I don't want to hear anything about your Mr. Clean fantasies. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!)
____________________________
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.