THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX: (M.M.)
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning....
and the number one reason trick-or-treating is better than sex ....
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK:
A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.
"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
GENERIC VIAGRA (C.C.F.)
All drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is Acetaminophen,
Advil is Ibuprofen, etc.
For the last few months, the FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. Yesterday they announced that they have finally settled on Mycoxafailin
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
What do engineers do with too much time on their hands? (S.W.)
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:
M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503
U.S.A.
along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free * pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money". I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.
THE NEW CAR
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
FUN FACTS:
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK (J.B.)
http://www.cat-scan.com/
And now for something completely different!
In the spirit of the unofficial FishWrap Motto: "We waste time so you don't have to" ...
We're going surfing this week!
We're Gonna Rock This Town!
http://www.exploratorium.edu/faultline/
First "SuperBooty" now this?
http://www.basil4mayor.com/
This American Life: Apartments
http://www.public.iastate.edu/~arch502/thislifeapartment.html
British Lawnmower Museum
http://dspace.dial.pipex.com/town/square/gf86/
Brazillian Banner Ads: Universal Language?
http://buzz.bazooka.se/buzz/braz/
Anitques Roadshow!
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/roadshow/home.html
For the sick and twisted files:
http://www.summum.org/mummification/pets/instruct.htm
Why we don't do the Pennisula:
http://www.jwz.org/gruntle/cesspool.html
FUN FACTS
- In the year 1886, Herman Hollerith had the idea of using punched cards to keep and transport information, a technology used up to the late 1970's.
This device was constructed to allow the 1890 census to be tabulated. In 1896 the Tabulating Machine Company was founded by Hollerith. Twenty-eight years later, in 1924, after several take-overs the company became known as International Business Machines (IBM).
- The first Band-Aid Brand Adhesive Bandages were three inches wide and eighteen inches long. You made your own bandage by cutting off as much as you needed.
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the
attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring.
The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right!!"
__________________
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK!
One day a blonde and her friend decide to go ice fishing. They go to a frozen pond and start cutting a hole in the ice when they hear an ominous voice say "Theres no fish here". So they move to a different spot and start cutting another hole when they hear the voice again "Theres no fish here" so they move to another spot and start cutting another hole when they hear the voice again and it says "Would you please stop cutting holes in the ice skating rink"
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?
1: The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2: In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
3: A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
4: Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
5: Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS
* The Cat in the Blender
* Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
* Fox in Detox
* Who Shat in the Hat?
* Horton Hires a Ho
* The Flesh-Eating Lorax
* How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
* Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
* Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
* Are You My Proctologist?
* Yentl the Lentil
* Aunts in My Pants
* Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
* The Grinch's Ten Inches
* Green Cheese & Spam
* Who Flung Goo on Betty Sue?
* Feel It, Find It, Pick
FINDING GOD IN THE FOREST
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. Full of fear, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"
Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter. The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive..."
IDIOTS AT WORK (MM)
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AIRPORT IDIOCY
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
CROSSWALK IDIOCY
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
#2 BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK (MM)
Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river and don't know how to get across.
The first blond guy prays to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross the river. God turns him into a brown-haired man, and he swims across.
The second blond guy prays to God to make him even smarter, so he can think of a better way to cross the river. God turns him into a red-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
The third blond guy prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.
A LEISURELY DRIVE
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
6 PRESIDENTS ON A SINKING BOAT
Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first."
Nixon says: "Screw the women."
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
There once was a girl from St. Paul
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
And when it caught fire,
It burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash yesterday?
Some dick cut her off!
QUOTABLE QUOTES
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
(Thanks Joel!)
"Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles."
- Roseanne Barr
FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK!
http://www.rivertrout.com/main.html
(I am thinking about suing for copyright infringement!)
http://www.nga.gov/feature/stieglitz/asmain.htm
http://www.slanguage.com/funswahili.html
(Thanks Michelle!)
______________________
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
NO RIDDLE THIS WEEK:
LAST WEEKS RIDDLE:
What do you eat the inside and throw away the outside, and eat the
outside and throw away the inside?
Answer: Corn on the Cob.
(large pitted fruits do not count!)
Only one person got the right answer:
Nancy!
TOP 10 WORST THINGS ABOUT AUTUMN
10. Cable-knit sweaters leave virtually everything to the imagination.
9. Dennis Rodman's hair turns from yellow to red.
8. Martha Stewart's recipes always seem to feature phallic-shaped squash.
7. Annoying shrieks of the leaves as they hurtle toward the ground -- or am *I* the only one who hears these?
6. Time to lower the barbecue grill to half mast.
5. Chicago Cubs already mathematically eliminated from *next* year's baseball playoffs.
4. 3.7 million migratory birds flying south for the winter -- directly over my car.
3. Cold mornings followed by hot afternoons leave your nipples exhausted.
2. Death. Death surrounds us, infuses the air with its foul presence, sucks life from once-breathing limbs, colors the sky a putrefying grey. Also, ski accessories get marked WAY up.
and the Number 1 Worst Thing About Autumn...
1. Falling leaves makes the dog walking park a hidden mine field.
20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
WHAT A LUCKY GUY!
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR 20'S WHEN:
* Your potted plants stay alive.
* Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
* You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
* 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
* You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
* You carry an umbrella.
* You watch the Weather Channel.
* Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
* Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
* You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't turndown the stereo.
* Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
* You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
* Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
* You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
* Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
* MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
* You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
* A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
* Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
* "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
FOOTPRINTS REVISITED
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave your butt prints in the sand."
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Old Poem, New Twist
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money and doesn't
appear to realize that you had set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN...
.... Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
.... You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
.... The little league puts you on waivers.
.... Your suggestion box starts ticking.
.... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
.... You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
.... You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
.... They pay your wages out of petty cash.
.... The moths in your money belt starve to death.
.... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
.... You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
.... Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
.... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
.... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
.... Your wife starts charging you rent.
.... A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
.... You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
.... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
.... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
.... Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
.... There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
.... The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
.... The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
.... A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
12 Tips for Managers from Employees
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do?
7. I f a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don;t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost down.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK:
http://www.artgonepostal.com/
http://peacefire.org/staff/bennett/autodave/autodave.html
_____________________________
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.